<<set $subGenre = "Ice Hockey">>\n\nSeriously, how good was EA Hockey on the MegaDrive?\n\n[[It was amazing!|subGenre Good]]\n[[It was OK, I guess|Franchise]]\n[[I never played it|subGenre Bad]]\n
<<set $setting = "Sneaking around and stabbing punks">>\nStabby Mcsneakystab!\n[[Is it a sequel?]]
<<set $system = "PS3">>\n\n<<set $score = $score -1>>\n\nHey kids, remember the PS3? Ridge Racer! Ah good times.\n[[Select A Publisher]]
<<set $interest = $interest +1>>\n<<set $graphics = $graphics +1>>\nAwesome super duper realistic graphics are for real hardcore gamerz!!\n\nOK let's see the [[Review]]
<<set $score = $score -1>>\n\n<<set $franchise = "Not Madden">>\n\nI dunno, man. Aren't Madden games better?\n\n[[I don't care, I just love football!|New Good]]\n[[I'm willing to give it a shot|Setting / Plot]]\n[[Yeah, what the hell is this crap?|New Bad]]\n
<<if $publisher eq "Nintendo">>Nintendo are under a lot of pressure from <<if $random < 3>>investors <<else>>gamers <<endif>> to pull out something new and amazing, due to the poor performance of <<print $system>>. The machine isn't <<if $interest gte 5>>as bad as its detractors would have you believe<<else>>that exciting at the moment<<endif>>, so the pressure is on for <<print $gameName>> to be something special. <<if $mario gte 1>>And since it's a new Mario game, you just know it's going to be good!<<else>>Shame there's no Mario in it, it's been months since we've had a new Mario game.<<endif>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $publisher eq "Microsoft">><<if $interest gte 6>>Well, you can say what you want about Microsoft's business practises and operating systems, but when it comes to games they sometimes know how to do things right.<<else>>Microsoft are doing everything they can to get their Xbox into the living room, and sometimes they even release video games.<<endif>> <<print $gameName>> has arrived with <<if $interest gte 7>>tremendous levels of hype<<else>><<if $interest gte 5>>some decent amount of excitement behind it<<else>>almost no publicity<<endif>><<endif>> and now the final build is ready for review.\n<<else>>\n<<if $publisher eq "Sony">>Sony are making great strides into making themselves relevant after the debacle that was the PlayStation 3. Good for them. \n<<else>>\n<<if $publisher eq "Electronic Arts">>Can Electronic Arts continue to stay relevant in a new world of video game publishing? <<print $gameName>> is here to say <<if $interest gte 7>> "Probably!"<<else>> "...maybe?"<<endif>>. \n<<else>>\n<<if $publisher eq "Activision">><<if $sequel eq "Yes">>Another year, another installment of this franchise pumped out by the kings of stone-squeezing, Activision. <<print $gameName>> promises to fix the problems that the previous game ran into, while delivering a fresh new experience set in the <<print $setting>> world.<<else>>What's this? A game from Activision that isn't a sequel? Whoa! <<if $interest gte 7>>And it's actually good!<<else>>Let's just see if this will be a new Modern Warfare or this year's Tony Hawk's Downhill Jam.<<endif>><<endif>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $publisher eq "Ubisoft">>When they're not upsetting Wii U owners or making more trailers for games that aren't out for another two years, Ubisoft are sometimes known for releasing games like <<print $gameName>>. The <<if $interest gte 7>>eagerly awaited <<else>> unassuming<<endif>> game is set to turn heads, but perhaps not for the reasons <<print $developer>> intended. \n<<else>>\n<<if $publisher eq "Disney">>Oh man, Disney! They're like, everywhere these days. Just the other day my <<if $random gte 5>>niece<<else>>nephew<<endif>> asked me if I've played the new <<if $random2 gte 5>>Toy Story<<else>>Where's my Water<<endif>> game, which I said no because kids games are for stupid babies. I gave them a copy of Demons Souls instead. Anyway, <<print $gameName>> is here and with it it'll help Disney figure out if they're actually in the video game business or not, maybe.\n<<else>> \n<<if $publisher eq "Warner Bros.">>Warner Brothers Interactive Entertainment is a multi-national corporation has found great success with diverse games like LEGO, Harry Potter and LEGO Harry Potter, so who knows, <<print $gameName>> might be good too! Then again they published a video game about talking owls so let's not get too carried away. \n<<else>>\n<<if $publisher eq "ZeniMax">>ZeniMax Media is a stupid name for a publisher, I think we can all agree on that. Anyway, <<print $gameName>> has been in development for <<print $random>> years and its budget of <<print $random1*100>> million dollars is on display here. \n<<else>>\n<<if $publisher eq "Square">>Square-Enix are a bunch of wacky dudes just chilling in the basement or something. Hey do you remember the Final Fantasy movie? What a load of crap that was. It didn't even have Sepiroth or Cloud or anyone. Anyway they made a new game called <<print $gameName>> so let's review it.\n<<else>>\n<<if $publisher eq "Valve">><<if $gameName eq "Half Life 3">>IT'S HALF LIFE 3 Y'ALL GAME OF THE YEAR WHOOOOO LET'S ROCK OUT WITH OUR COCKS OUT<<else>>Well, it's no Half Life 3 but <<print $gameName>> promises that Valve level of quality that they somehow have developed. Have we mentioned how much we'd just prefer this to be Half Life 3?<<endif>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $publisher eq "Take 2">><<if $gameName eq "Grand Theft Auto V">>WHOO GTA V YEAH!!!! IT'S HERE! OH MY GOD IT'S HERE WHOOOOOOOOO!<<else>>Oh man how good is GTA 5 going to be? SO GOOD YOU GUYS.<<endif>> OK so let's take a look at the latest game from the people behind Rockstar Table Tennis, that game was an underrated gem damn it.\n<<else>>\n<<if $publisher eq "Atari">><<set $score = 0>><<set $interest = 0>>Atari started off as a company that ripped off someone else's idea and they've been going downhill since. They released another game and this is the review. \n<<else>>\n<<if $publisher eq "Konami">>Konami got their start publishing such legendary things as Frogger, Metal Gear and the Konami Code. Then they changed their logo and frankly things haven't been the same since.\n<<else>>\n<<if $publisher eq "Capcom">>Somne of my favourite Capcom games are Street Fighter 2, Super Street Fighter 2 and Super Street Fighter 2 Turbo. But now they've made a new game called <<print $gameName>> and I got excited. So here's the review!\n<<else>>\n<<if $publisher eq "Sega">><<if $dreamcastSad eq 1>>It's just not fair that the Dreamcast died, really. It was a good machine! If only the ignorant masses weren't brainwashed by the Sony advertising juggernaught we'd still have Sega as a hardware manufacturer. Oh well. Maybe <<print $gameName>> can make the pain go away.<<else>>Sega are in a weird position at the moment. No longer a first party powerhouse, not quite good enough to be a consistently great third party, just somewhere in the middle, like a guy who's just gotten a management job at a web development company and is wondering what the hell he's doing with his life. Anyway, Sega published <<print $gameName>> so there's still hope.<<endif>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $publisher eq "Indie">>Screw the establishment, man! Oversized publishers that don't move with the times are so old hat. The cool way to publish games is to be a lean operation of a couple of guys who haven't been able to afford a YCMA shower in a week who release games like <<print $gameName>> for almost free and grow beards and hang out at coffee shops and have documentaries made about them. Fight the power, unless they don't give me a freebie review code, in which case they're a bunch of pompous asses.\n<<else>>\n<<if $publisher eq "Kickstarter">>Kickstarter is the hot new way people are making games, but I'm worried that it won't be long before the bubble bursts. After all, I ordered <<if $random1 gte 5>>a watch<<else>>a beret softener<<endif>> from Kickstarter <<if $random2 gte 5>>three<<else>>six<<endif>> months ago and still don't have it. I hope someone at Kickstarter gets fired for that. \n<<else>>\nIt's tough to be a third party games publisher these days, and games like <<print $gameName>> are a good example of why.\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n
<<set $score = $score +1>>\n<<set $interest = $interest +1>>\n\n3D is really neat and cool. \n\n[[Graphics]]
<<set $franchise = "Sonic">>\nOK let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]].
<<set $subGenre = "Pinball">>\nThe original arcade game, unless you could skee-ball.\n\nNow choose a [[Franchise]]
<<set $franchise = "Medal of Honor">>\nOK let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]].
<<set $franchise = "Civilization">>\nOK let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]].
<<set $developer = "some unknown">>\n<<set $score = $score +1>>\n<<set $interest = $interest +1>>\n\nThis bright upcomers have a great future and show a lot of talent!\n\nNow select a [[Genre]]
<<set $style = "realistic">>\nAre realistic graphics important to you?\n\n[[Yes|Realistic Yes]]\n[[No|Realistic No]]\n
<<set $interest = $interest -1>>\n\nXbox 360 used to be cool and now look at this junk! <html><i>Jesus</i></html>.\n\n[[Select A Publisher]]\n
<<set $developer = "some unknown">>\n<<set $score = $score -2>>\n<<set $interest = $interest -1>>\n\nSince you don't know who the developers are, there's no chance you're going to awkwardly bump into them at some industry booze up, so it's safe to knock the score down a bit.\n\nNow select a [[Genre]]
<<set $franchise = "Wolfenstein">>\nOK let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]].
<<set $feature = "Achievements">>\nSweet, sweet delicious cheevos that make you feel like you accomplished something with your life, TAKE THAT DAD.\n\nOK now let's talk about [[Graphics]]...
<<set $subGenre = "Cricket">>\n\nAre you writing this for an English, Australian, Indian or African publication?\n\n[[Yes|subGenre Good]]\n[[No|subGenre Bad]]\n
<<set $setting = "Intergalactic Warfare">>\nSpace Opera! It's kind of like Space but with extra singing.\n[[Is it a sequel?]]
<<set $franchise = "2D Mario">>\n<<set $genre = "Platformer">>\n<<set $subGenre = "2D Mario">>\n<<set $setting = "Mario">>\n<<set $sequel = "Yes">>\n<<set $D = "2D">>\n\nIt's a <<print $franchise>> game.\n\n[[Features]]
<<set $franchise = "Dirt">>\nOK let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]].
Is there a chance you can get a job with them one day?\n\n[[Yes|Dev Unknown Yes]]\n[[No|Dev Unknown No]]\n
<<set $subGenre = "Football">>\n\nFOOTBALL! Well, the American kind. \n\nIs this a John Madden Football game?\n\n[[Yes, it's a Madden game.]]\n[[No, it's not a Madden game.]]\n
<<set $franchise = "Ultima">>\nOK let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]].
<<set $feature = "Multiplayer Split Screen">>\n\nOK, so <<print $gameName>> is a <<print $feature>> type of game. \n\n[[Graphics]]
<<set $graphics = 3>>\n\nAre the graphics 3D or 2D?\n\n[[3D|Graphics 3D]]\n[[2D|Graphics 2D]]
<<if $graphics gte 8>>\n <<if $random gte 5>>Visually, <<print $gameName>> is a tour de force. The <<print $style>> presentation is carried across with <<if $random gte 5>>sublime <<else>>excellent <<endif>> attention to detail.\n <<else>>From the moment the impressively lit intro scenes start you know you're in for something special, and the actual game doesn't disappoint at all. <<endif>>\n <<if $random2 gte 5>>Additionally, there is no <<if $random2 gte 5>>faulting <<else>>doubting <<endif>> the <<if $random1 gte 5>>character animation<<else>>environments <<endif>> on display.\n <<else>>Graphically speaking, this game is awash with truly realistic animation, all of which is highly detailed and brings the characters to life effortlessly.\n <<endif>> It's a testament to the graphical prowress of <<if $system eq "PC">>that hot new graphics card you bought for an exhorbitant amount <<else>>the <<print $system>> <<endif>> when its in the hands of the experienced team at <<print $developer>>.\n<<else>>\n<<if $graphics gte 6>>\n <<if $random gte 5>>The graphics are pretty good, if you're into the <<print $style>> art style. <<else>>You can't argue with the charm of the <<print $style>> aesthetic, but there's problems underneath the surface. \n <<endif>> <<if $style eq "cartoony">>The cute, cartoonish graphics really reinforce the idea that this is a game that is aimed at the general public, rather than the die hard gamers, which are a vitally important 4% of the market. <<<else>><<if $style eq "wool">>It's amazing how cool wool looks and it'll make you want to start knitting. <<else>>Visually, you may want to try before you buy.<<endif>><<endif>> \n <<if $subGenre eq "Flight Simulation">>Not everything is perfect however, as the graphics are a bit of a let-down with the explosions in particular looking a bit weedy.<<else>><<if $random4 gte 5>><<print $gameName>> is not a game you will be writing home about. \n <<else>>Character animation is acceptable, but given the obvious attention to detail given in the initial character renderings it seems a shame that all the good looking (and, it has to be said, larger than their competition) \n <<if $D eq "2D">>sprites <<else>>characters <<endif>> move about in a relatively sloppy way. Backgrounds however are a delight, with wonderfully surreal landscapes that have been positively showered with all the colours of the rainbow.\n <<endif>>\n <<endif>> \n <<if $system eq "PC">>At least you can max out all the FSAA settings and run at maximum resolution without too much worry. <<else>> It's just more proof that the <<print $system>> platform is showing its age.\n <<endif>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $graphics gte 4>>The graphics are a mixed bag. Some things look really nice and the frame rate is a solid <<print $random *6>> frames per second. \n <<if $style eq "realistic">>While the exteriors are nicely presented the characters already look a bit dated and fall short of the sublime photorealism we were promised by <<print $publisher>>.\n <<else>>With a bit more time, or if the game came out a year ago, it would have been easy to forgive the <<print $style>> style's faultings.\n <<endif>>\n<<else>>\n <<if $graphics gte 2>>The graphics are pretty crap! You'll be checking if something's wrong with your system, and maybe some people will get a kick out of the poorly executed <<print $style>> art style, but it's not enough.\n <<else>>\n The graphics are ATROCIOUS! Ugh! It will hurt your eyes to even look at it. I would say this would look bad on a Commodore 64, but that's an insult to Commodore 64 owners who are all awesome.\n <<endif>>\n<<endif>> \n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n\n<<if $D eq "2D">>\nBeing a 2D game, the hardware capabilities of your <<print $system>> aren't exactly being pushed to the limit<<else>>The 3D world of <<print $gameName>> comes to life in a <<print $style>> way, which is nice if you're a fan of the genre<<endif>>.<<if $style eq "retro">>Purists may point out that the 16-bit games <<print $gameName>> is trying to emulate didn't look this <<if $graphics gte 5>>good<<else>>horrid<<endif>>, <<if $interest gte 7>>but they can go jump because they are doo doo heads<<else>>but it's a minor problem<<endif>><<else>><<if $style eq "Anime">>The animation-quality visuals are a <<if $interest gte 6>>wonder to behold<<else>>cliche-filled torrent of junk<<endif>> which I <<if $interest gte 7>>wholeheartily recommend to all<<else>>think is OK if you're into that sort of thing<<endif>>.<<else>>The visuals represent the objects they represent well<<endif>><<endif>>.<<if $genre eq "Racing">>Speed is the most important thing to have in a racing game and <<print $gameName>> has it in spades. You'll see yourself screaming around a hairpin corner to the sound of your navigator anxiously reading out details about the track ahead, taking in the sumptuous visuals. The backgrounds are nicely detailed if a bit plan in design, and the smoothly rendered vehicles themselves feature some impressive detail.<<endif>>
<<set $franchise = "Diablo">>\nOK let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]].
<<set $franchise = "Fallout">>\nOK let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]].
<<set $subGenre = "Poker">>\n\nCool! Now let's select a [[Franchise]]
Game Review System
<<set $setting = "Big Tough Angry Man!!!!">>\nGRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!\n\n[[Is it a sequel?]]
<<set $score = $score -1>>\n<<set $publisher = "Unknown">>\n\n<<print $gameName>> for the <<print $system>> is published by some nobody.\n\n[[Yes|Select a Developer]]\n[[No|Select A Publisher]]\n
\n<<if $subGenre eq "Platformer">>It's definitely been a while since we've seen a good platform game on our humble <<print $system>>...and while this may not win any awards for excellence it still provides and enjoyable <<print $D>> romp.\n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "2D Mario">>Yes, there's been a deluge of 2D Mario games in the past few years, but they're like pop tarts they're just so morish. Once again there are platforms to jump around, gold coins to collect and flowers in the background that go WAH WAH every few seconds.<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "Twin Stick">>It's a twin stick shooter like we've seen a million times before, but it's <<if $interest gte 5>>actually good!<<else>>not as good as the genre's established titles.<<endif>> The familiar control system <<if $system eq "3DS">>is hampered by the 3DS lack of native right stick<<else>>means that you will be in comfortable territory for the first crucial minutes<<endif>> and the <<if $graphics gte 6>>hypnotic<<else>>messy<<endif>> visuals draw you in for continued play. \n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "Bullet Hell">>Bullet Hell shooters are known for their <<if $random gte 5>>intense<<else>>incredible<<endif>> difficulty, <<if $random1 gte 4>>crazy<<else>>zany<<endif>> settings and <<if $random2 gte 3>>over the top<<else>>insane<<endif>> pyrotechnics. <<print $gameName>> <<if $interest gte 6>>delivers<<else>>tries to deliver<<endif>> on all these fronts and <<if $score gte 6>>succeeds<<else>>fails<<endif>><<if $random2 gte 5>>spectacularly<<else>>in a stunning fashion<<endif>>. Desciphering the patterns of bullets thrown your way is made <<if $graphics gte 5>>easy thanks to the clearly defined visual language spoken by the game's antagonists<<else>>all that much harder thanks to the sometimes incomprehensible graphic style<<endif>>.\n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "Top-Down">><<if $random1 gte 5>>Top-Down shooters have a long and <<if $interest gte 4>>proud<<else>>sordid<<endif>> history thanks to games like <<if $random gte 7>>Commando, Ikari Warriors and Berzerk<<else>>DonPachi, Radiant Silvergun and Mercs<<endif>>. The mechanics of the genre may feel out of date but <<print $gameName>> has added new elements to the formula such as more fluid motion, a varied base of items to shoot and collect, and developers <<print $developer>> boast of a new and improved high score mechanic.<<else>><<if $random gte 5>>Where would a shoot 'em up be without a healthy dose of extra weapons to beef things up? Nowhere, of course, so it's a good thing this game has power ups in spades. A few enemy waves down and you'll be equipped in the latest state-of-the-art gear, ranging from wider range of fire to an intense <<if $random2 gte 5>>laser<<else>>plasma<<endif>> beam and my personal favourite, missiles that hunt down the nearest target and do their best to rip them to shreds.<<else>>Gameplay is of the usual "shoot everything in sight, grab the powerups and hold on to the trigger button" variety, but an inventive array of weapons and enemy cannon fodder makes the trip worthwhile. Granted, the overhead shoot 'em up isn't exactly the most original concept in the universe but with images like these, whose complaining? <<endif>><<endif>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "Arcade">>We'll never have the halycon days of the arcade back, but <<print $gameName>> does its best to try and take us down memory lane once more. There isn't a lot of brain power needed to get through the game's <<if $interest gte 7>>pulse-pounding<<else>><<if $interest gte 4>>somewhat interesting<<else>>monotonous<<endif>><<endif>> series of pre-scripted encounters. Of course, the thrills of <<if $random gte 4>>zapping<<else>>blasting<<endif>>baddies and working your way up the <<if $system eq "Xbox 360">>online leaderboards<<else>>leaderboards<<endif>> wears out upon repeated play, but at least it's <<if $interest gte 5>>fun while it lasts<<else>>worth a rental<<endif>><<if $feature eq "3D">> and playing in 3D is a <<if $interest gte 5>>great<<else>>tiresome<<endif>> novelty.<<else>>.<<endif>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "Soccer">><<print $gameName>> attempts to emulate the <<if $interest gte 4>>fantastic<<else>>boring<<endif>> and <<if $interest gte 7>>beautiful<<else>>complex<<endif>> sport of Soccer. Passes, dribbles, goal shots and that cool scissor-kick thing you sometimes see on the TV are represented here, and sometimes you can do them. <<if $random lte 1>>Unfortunately the thing you used to be able to do in FIFA on the 3DO where you stood in front of the goalie and he'd pass the ball to you so you could kick it into the goal doesn't work in <<print $gameName>>.<<else>>All the latest players and clubs are represented here <<if $publisher eq "Electronic Arts">>in their fully licensed glory<<else>>, well, at least sort of thanks to not having the FIFA license, <<endif>> and there's all the latest pop tunes to play in the menu screens.<<endif>> Little touches like <<if $random2 gte 5>>Ronaldlo<<else>>Messi<<endif>>'s signature moves make it feel realistic.\n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "Rugby">>Rugby is a sport that hasn't yet captured worldwide attention, and games like <<print $gameName>> may be a <<if $interest gte 6>>better ambassador for the code than the real thing.<<else>>good demonstration of why it hasn't taken off around the globe.<<endif>> The myriad of rules, cups, and players are daunting to people who aren't already invested in a local team, but it's easy enough to understand the basics after a few <<if $random gte 6>>minutes<<else>>hours<<endif>>. However, no amount of practice will ever explain how the scrum is meant to work.\n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "Ice Hockey">>Wasn't <<if $random gte 5>>Mario LeMeux<<else>>Wayne Gretsky<<endif>> just the best? Now <<print $gameName>> is promising that you could become the next Ice Hockey megastar. Like previous games <<if $sequel eq "yes">>in this series<<else>>in this genre<<endif>>, you can play in a\n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "Football">><<if $random gte 5>>An extensive playbook allows you to set up complex plays, fakes and moves that match real world players. Colour commentary provided by real TV commentators is provided through each game although it starts to get repetitive after a few matches.<<else>><<print $publisher>> have been in the sports sim business for quite a few <<if $random1 gte 5>>years<<else>>months<<else>> now, and every year they've extended their line up to cater for all the sports fans who are too wimpy to go outside and play the real thing.<<endif>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "Baseball">>While there's already been a million baseball games that have graced the shelves in the last decade, <<print $gameName>> promises to be the baseballiest. With its <<print $style>> graphics and presentation, it looks just like you would imagine, but you'll have to bring your own <<if $random gte 5>>hot dogs<<else>>peanuts<<endif>> and <<if $random1 gte 5>>beer<<else>>nacho hat<<endif>>.\n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "Cricket">>Fans of the sport will be instantly familiar with the players, stadiums and rules, but newcomers will find it all a bit weird. <<if $interest gte 6>>Disappointingly there is no 80s style cartoon animation of a duck walking across the screen when you go out for a duck.<<else>>Sadly there is no option to changethe shape and proportion of David Boon's moustache.<<endif>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "Golf">>Golf. Tweed slacks. Bilby hats. Birdies and eagles and all that nonsense. You probably already know right now whether a golf simulation could possibly interest you. <<if $graphics lte 5>>You might not be immediately impressed by the simple graphics and the fact that your on screen character looks more like an ice cream than the next Tiger Woods, but the lack of detail is made up for by a silky smooth frame rate and responsive control.<<else>>There's nothing here that could swing your opinion either way. <<endif>> The control method is still as difficult to master as ever. Then again, the real thing isn't that easy either and pulling off a reasonable shot is a thrill in itself, let alone making par. After a few rounds it should hopefully become second (or at least third) nature and you'll be wearing plaid pants with the best of them.\n<<else>>\n\n<<if $subGenre eq "Metroidvania">><<print $gameName>> follows the traditional Metroidvania mold. After a <<if $interest gte 7>>stellar <<else>>lengthy<<endif>> introductory seqeuence your <<if $random gte 5>>on-screen avatar<<else>>character<<endif>> starts with a limited set of <<if $interest gte 6>>cool<<else>>standard<<endif>> abilities and can only traverse certain sections of the game's sprawling world, but continued play and <<if $interest gte 5>>experimentation<<else>> routine video game trope application<<endif>> sees new areas and abilities become available. \n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "JRPG">><<print $gameName>> plays like you would expect a J-RPG would. You create character, give them outfits and then spend hours grinding on random enemy encounters until you level up everyone to maximum stats. If that's your cup of tea, then you already know if you're on board. \n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "WRPG">><<if $random1 gte 5>>Everything is so gritty and post modern, and there's a big story with a twist ending that will surely be spoiled in an upcoming podcast that will be released before you get a chance to play it. There are lots of weapons, and you can upgrade them all.<<else>>Those of you who are old or wise enough to remember Atari's classic Gauntlet will be right at home here. With a familiar overhead perspective and a similar cast of characters, you get a definite sense of deja-vu while playing, which is no bad thing, really. The classic gameplay has been thrust into the modern era with stylish polygonal dungeons packed full of ghoulish fiends intent on your destruction and a sprinkling of puzzles to keep your brain warm at night.<<endif>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "Brawler">>The gameplay is simple and harkens back to the genre's roots as you <<if $feature eq "Multiplayer">>and an optional friend<<else>>slowly<<endif>> make your way through a bunch of linear environments. <<if $D eq "3D">>Controlling your fighter in a 3D environment is surprisingly easy. After a few rounds you'll be running and jumping around the area like a pro. Each character is supplied with an impressive repertoire of kicks, punches and multi-hit attacks, but can also make use of a weapon if one is nearby. It's not just the well dressed henchmen that will come under your fists though. Cars, trucks, walls, vending machines and crates can be smashed up for fun or profit.<<else>>There's a number of enemies to try out moves on, but after a while the action gets repetitive. <<endif>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "Wrestling">><<print $gameName>> has a large roster of <<if $random gte 5>>beefy<<else>>oiled up<<endif>> wrestlers that like to wrestle in the wrestle ring. They each have authentic-looking wrestling moves. If you think wrestling is real then this game is good for you. It also has commentators that comment when your wrestler wrestles with the other wrestler. You can also make your own wrestler, and that's good for wrestling fans.\n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "One-on-One">>There's over <<print $random1+5>> characters to choose from, and each one of the roster has a heap of moves that are hard to learn at first but after practice they get easier. Some characters are tougher than others, and some characters have long range attacks that are different from short range attacks.\n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "Racing Arcade">><<if $random2 gte 7>>You can drive these fast vehicles real fast in <<print $gameName>>, and they smash up real good when you crash them into each other or the walls. <<if $interest gte 5>>It's fun to hit the turbo button and go turbo fast.<<else>>It's a shame you can't get out of the vehicle and enjoy a frozen yoghurt.<<endif>> Handling isn't as precise as Forza and there are less things to drive in than in Gran Turismo and it's not as real as really driving the vehicle it attempts to simulate. It supports steering wheels which make you feel like you're really driving like a real grown-up.<<else>><<if $random2 gte 4>>The gameplay is geared mainly towards the arcade end of the spectrum, with some thumping techno tunes and an easy to use controls that will have you racing along at top speed in no time at all.<<else>>With plenty of curves, jumps (including a rather special San Fransisco style series of hills) and speed inducting straightaways, it'll take plenty of practise to land first place honours against the hellbent competition. Secret shortcuts and plenty of room for improvement mean that there's plenty of depth in the course, and this is further enhanced by the online racing server which pits your times and efforts against the best in the world.<<endif>><<endif>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "Racing Simulation">>There are hundreds of vehicles available in <<print $gameName>> and it will take at least <<print $random1*10>> hours to unlock them all. They are all shiny and have realistic exteriors and you can even get in them and check out the speed gauge that goes up and down as you go fast and slow. It supports the steering wheel that I like to play racing games with and that made me feel like I had a real thing that the game is based on. <<if $random2 gte 5>>If you like realistic racing simulations then <<print $gameName>> is a good game to play but if you don't like them then maybe you should play <<if $random gte 7>>some other game that doesn't have these things in it<<else>>a games with less of these types of thing.<<endif>><<else>>A few minutes of bouncing around the undulating circuits (which are replete with all of it's real-life minutia, including all of the correct advertisements and hills, bumps and curves in their correct place) will soon put you in good stead for knocking down your own personal best times, but even if you don't worry about such trivial matters you can enjoy taking on the computer controlled cars that just love getting in your way.<<endif>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "Turn Based">><<if $setting eq "Aliens">><<print $gameName>> creates an eerie atmosphere that pits your small platoon of soldiers against God only knows how many alien vermin in a surprisingly tense environment. Each infantryman can be individually customised to your liking, and it's a good idea to take heed of the advice you're given at the start of each mission so your troops are properly kitted out before the slaughter begins. Once your men are in position each "side" takes their turn to move each unit into the best tactical position, which is achieved by a few simple mouse clicks. To aid your long term strategy you can move the game camera around any visible position on the map and even view the action through the eyes of your gung-ho troopers. When the stuff eventually hits the fan (and it will) most monsters are easily dealt with, but that doesn't mean you can just breeze through the game by any means...<<<else>><<if $random gte 5>>Because it's turn-based this game might feel slow to a lot of people who like their games to be fast. If you don't mind that or you are old you might like <<print $gameName>>. The game is hard.<<else>>Players are put in charge of a group of units and, through their hopefully wise and dedicated leadership, extend their empire throughout the known universe (and beyond). Sounds easy? Well, think again - <<print $gameName>> requires the mind of a master Civilization player and the patience of a saint.<<endif>><<endif>> \nThe main aim of spreading your empire to the farthest reaches of the map is one that will see you managing resources, investing time and money into research, manufacture and espionage as well as keeping your populace happy. Your first few hours spent with this game will hardly be rewarding ones - progress is slow, with new scientific developments occurring at a snails pace and being able to make use of your sociological advancements will take even longer - but as always perseverance pays off in the long run. Once your sovereignty spreads life gets to be a bit more interesting, as inter-player politics and the occasional war keep you on your toes into the wee hours of the morning.\n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "RTS">><<if $score gte 5>>Being a RTS, <<print $gameName>> is <<if $system eq "PC">>naturally suited to the PC<<else>>hard to play with a controller<<endif>>. It is fun to watch your units move around and make you feel like a God. <<if $random1 gte 5>>In Warcraft 2 you clicked on a unit all the time and he said "stop poking me!" and that was funny and this game reminded me of it.<<else>>Alright, so it might just be more of the same "Build units, manage resources, overwhelm enemy forces slowly but surely" regime that seems to be in the bible of real time strategy games nowadays, but it's a lot of fun.<<endif>> The new features are subtle and not readily apparent, but include a slightly refined user interface, tweaked Artificial Intelligence and (no surprises) tougher missions.<<else>>Build and manage resources. Investigate and utilise new technologies. Manufacture weapons of mass destruction and eventually wear down the opposing team's defences. Boy, never heard of that before. Does anyone even bother trying to think of new ideas these days? Well, anyway, back to the game at hand. Moving and ordering your paltry units around is an easy enough task, and before you know it you'll be in charge of a fairly decent looking band of mad as hell warmongers. Progress is slow, and most of your time will be spent perusing each building and seeing how well development is coming along.<<endif>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "Point and Click">>This game is fun until you get stuck on a puzzle and then you can't do anything else until you figure it out and then you feel smart. Some of the puzzles are hard, and some are easy, and you should experiment with clicking around different objects and people who give you clues. \n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "Adventure">>This is an adventure game which means you move around and collect things and fight baddies and explore stuff. There is a segment where you drive a vehicle that feels like it was added on by a completely different team. \n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "Flight Simulation">>\n<<if $sequel eq "yes">>Like the first game, <<else>>As you would expect from the title,<<endif>> <<print $gameName>> is a flight simulator <<if $random1>>that lets you get straight into the thick of the battle without having to worry about complex controls and all the fiddly details.<<else>>featuring all the usual bells and whistles that flight aficiacondos have become accustomed to, with a bewildering array of controls and options that you'll need to get to grips with fairly quickly.<<endif>> <<if $random2 gte 5>>Your tour of duty will take you from night-time bombing raids to inner city dogfights, and the action never lets up for one moment. <<if $random gte 5>>Taking out your target requires nerves of steel and you always need to watch your back. Thankfully later missions offer wingmen to help you out, and successfully completing sorties gives you the chance to buy even more powerful planes to fly.<<else>>Your bird flies through the air with the greatest of ease...well, almost - a cleverly designed flight model means that inertia and wind factors play a heavy part in your craft's navigation and you sometimes really need to wrestle with the joystick to maintain control. Special mention should be made of the sound - intelligently placed speech samples dramatically increase your involvement and bullets sound amazing through a set of headphones.<<endif>> Each aircraft has a unique balance of power, manoeuvrability and defensive capabilities, so bearing in mind what your objectives are before choosing is essential.<<else>>Everything you could want in a combat based flight simulator is in here. Superior avionics are possible with a responsive control system, although it has to be said that piloting via the <<if $system eq "PC">>mouse<<else>>D-Pad<<else>> is an experience not many will take to immediately. The advanced controls (which annoyingly you have to dig around for) let you play around with all of the usual gadgets - radar, landing gear and the all important weapons systems included. Once you start playing with the air to ground missiles there's no turning back, as they make such pretty explosions (so does your plane if you're not too careful with that <<if $system eq "PC">>mouse<<else>>D-Pad<<endif>>).<<endif>> There's over <<print $random2*5>> flying vehicles to master, and the developers have promised more in forthcoming <<if $system eq "3DS">>sequels<<else>>DLC<<endif>>. They take a long time to get to grips with and your first few <<if $random gte 5>>minutes<<else>>hours<<endif>> will be spent crashing into the ground or forgetting to <<if $random1 gte 5>>take on enough fuel<<else>>set the landing gear correctly<<endif>>, <<if $interest gte 5>>but it's all part of the fun<<else>>which gets tiresome quickly<<endif>>.\n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "Sandbox Earth">>The vast landscapes you can explore in <<print $gameName>> are really big. Really, really big. You can go almost anywhere! Except to places you can't. Sometimes you're given missions where you can do things like kill people and blow up things, but most of time you're free to just explore the world to do different stuff like kill people and blow up things. \n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "Sandbox Space">>There are lots of spaceships to fly, destroy and save up for in <<print $gameName>>. Some of them even look like the ones from TV and movies, and some of them don't. You can trade items between different places in space, and there is a lot of space to fly around in. Sometimes you talk to aliens and it's funny because they look and sound different to humans. When you get into a battle with lots of spaceships it looks pretty cool but sometimes it slows down. If you like spaceships this is the game for you!\n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "Arcade Shooting">>Pew pew pew! You'll say that a lot here. That's because you shoot stuff!\n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "Outdoor Activities">>With a wide range of targets, gear and settings, <<print $gameName>> offers all the thrills of the outdoor lifestyle without throwing your soul into the deep pit of shame that arises from being an injuman jackass who gets thrills over murdering animals. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you, or indeed anyone who made this game?<<set $score = 0>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "Quiz">>Being a quiz game, there are disappointingly few explosions, naked women or knives being jammed into people's skulls. Still, some people might like it. It's best to play <<print $gameName>> against other people because it's not that much fun to play against the computer. \n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "Pinball">>You have to wonder if Tommy (the musical) would be possible today considering the home computer versions of pinball. Would the story of someone being good at a game OF a game be as cool? Either way, the computerised renditions of the always popular arcade pastime have always had a hard time proving themselves, struggle to maintain a balance between staying true to its heritage and giving the player a whole host of new features that the home gamer is accustomed to. <<if $random gte 5>>While <<print $gameName>> never had a hope of replacing the feeling of playing on a real pinball table, it comes pretty close. The ball physics <<if $interest gte 6>>perfectly<<else>>attempt to<<endif>> replicate the sensation of gravity and weight, and there are lots of ramps, bumpers and lights to fill the tables with. If only there was a thing you could pull to launch the ball attached to your <<print $system>>.<<else>>Pinball afficiacondos have all sorts of ways to customise the table's difficulty, however most of us will opt to get straight into the action. The standard viewpoint here is a 3/4 overhead perspective, meaning that you get to see all of the table at once unlike most other games of its type. While this gets rid of the sometimes annoying scrolling, it's sometimes hard to make out what is going on at the "top end" of the table. It's a very good thing then, that <<print $gameName>> plays a superbly solid game of balls and flippers. The silver sphere's movement has been modelled perfectly, and it bounces around the place in a totally convincing manner. Following on from the excellent control is the superb layout of the table, with all the ramps, bonuses, multiballs and other features in their proper place.<<endif>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "Video Game Puzzle">>This game is a bit like Tetris which will please fans of games like Tetris. It's fun when you're winning and then less fun when you're losing, and you can compare your score against other people who are all better than you. There are multiple gameplay modes including one where <<if $random gte 5>>all the gravity is reversed<<else>>everything is upside down<<endif>> that is strangely compelling. The question of how long it will take you to get bored of playing this will only be answered by playing it until you get bored.\n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "Real World Puzzle">>The puzzles in <<print $gameName>> are real head scratchers that rely just as much on your spatial logic as they do quick reflexes. You'll spend a lot of time moving boxes around, hitting switches and changing the forces of physics, which can be fun if you're into that sort of thing.\n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "Pokemon">>Over <<print $random *18>> new Pokemon join the already huge pantheon of characters, each <<if $interest gte 6>> weirder and wilder than ever before<<else>> just as indicypherable as each other<<endif>>. You start off with some weak Pokemon and then collect other Pokemon through battles against random computer opponents or others online. It's a shame Nintendo don't just release the Pokemon MMO we know we want already.\n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "Management">>This game has menus. Loads and loads of menus for you to look at, study and make decisions based on the statistics that they contain. You control your team's lineup and strategy in order to provide a winning result at the end of the day. Success on the field leads to a healthy bank account, which then allows you to splash out on better equipment, nicer grounds and first grade players. Be careful though, because keen managerial skills are required to keep you from the bankcruptcy court.\n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "Solitaire">>The first question you have to ask yourself is "Why would anyone want to make a Solitaire game when it has been packaged in free with almost every new PC on the planet for the last twenty years?". <<if $score gte 7>>Well, you'd be surprised at the answer<<else>>You're not likely to find any answers after playing <<print $gameName>><<endif>>. Oh well, let's make the most of what we've got here. <<print $gameName>> certainly looks a lot more <<if $graphics gte 7>>refined<<else>>amatuerish<<endif>> than others on the market, with some classically styled tables and f<<print $random + 5>> different decks for you to ooh and ahh at. Some apparently soothing music pipes its way through your speakers but the rather <<if $random2 gte 5>>melancholy<<else>>upbeat<<endif>> tune begins to <<if $interest gte 5>>get stuck in your head<<else>>grate<<endif>> after a few short <<if $random1 gte 5>>minutes<<else>>hours<<endif>>.\n\nIt's Solitaire, folks. The most popular one player game in the world. The one that your kid <<if $random gte 5>>sister<<else>>brother<<endif>> loves to play during those rare periods when you and your computer are cruelly separated. It's worth trying out if you need more Solitaire in your "life"...\n<<else>>\n<<if $subGenre eq "Poker">>The classic game of Poker is presented <<if $graphics gte 6>>well<<else>>as best as you would expect<<endif>>, and if you like Poker you will enjoy playing the game of Poker that is in the game.\n<<else>>\n<<print $gameName>> plays as you would expect a <<print $subGenre>> game would, with all the genre's pros and cons. There's a certain familiarity with the proceedings that feels <<if $interest gte 7>>comfortable<<else>>repetitive<<endif>> to experienced gamers.\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>> \n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n
<<set $setting = "You kill zombies">>\nZ-z-z-zombies!\n[[Is it a sequel?]]\n
<<set $score = $score -1>>\n<<set $interest = $interest -2>>\nEmbrace the familiar, like you would your morning Wheaties and evening love pillow.\n\nBut what about the [[Setting / Plot]]?
OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG\n\n<<set $score = 10>>\n<<set $genre = "FPS">>\n<<set $subGenre = "FPS">>\n<<set $franchise = "Half Life">>\n<<set $setting = "Get a gun and shoot people">>\n<<set $sequel = "Yes">>\n\n[[Features]]\n
<<set $system = "iOS">><<set $score = $score -1>><<set $interest = $interest -1>>\n\nDo you consider iOS a real system for real gamers?\n\n[[Yes|iOS Yes]]\n[[No|iOS No]]\n
<<set $genre = "Fighting">>\nWhat kind of fighting game is <<print $gameName>>?\n\n[[Side-Scrolling Brawler]]\n[[Wrestling]]\n[[One-on-One]]
<<set $genre = "Simulation">>\nWhat kind of simulation is it?\n\n[[Flight Simulation]]\n[[Racing Simulation]]\n\n
5) Franchise selection screen\n\n[[New Franchise]]\n<<if $genre eq "Sports">>\n[[FIFA]]\n[[Pro Evo]]\n[[NHL]]\n[[Madden|Yes, it's a Madden game.]]\n[[Championship Manager]]\n[[Tiger Woods]]\n<<else>>\n\n<<if $genre eq "FPS">>\n[[Call of Duty]]\n[[Medal of Honor]]\n[[Battlefield]]\n[[Doom]]\n[[Wolfenstein]]\n[[Resistance]]\n[[Killzone]]\n[[Halo]]\n<<else>>\n\n<<if $genre eq "RPG">>\n[[Fallout]]\n[[The Elder Scrolls]]\n[[Dungeons and Dragons]]\n[[World of Warcraft]]\n[[Final Fantasy]]\n[[Everquest]]\n[[Ultima]]\n[[Diablo]]\n[[Pokemon|Yes, it's a Pokemon game]]\n[[Warhammer]]\n<<else>>\n\n<<if $genre eq "Platformer">>\n[[Mario|Yes, the game has Mario in it]]\n[[Metroid]]\n[[Donkey Kong]]\n[[Mega Man]]\n[[Sonic The Hedgehog]]\n<<else>>\n\n<<if $genre eq "Fighting">>\n[[Street Fighter]]\n<<else>>\n\n<<if $genre eq "Racing">>\n[[Need for Speed]]\n[[Dirt]]\n<<else>>\n\n<<if $genre eq "Strategy">>\n[[Civilization]]\n[[Starcraft]]\n<<else>>\n\n<<if $genre eq "Adventure">>\n[[Sam and Max]]\n<<else>>\n\n<<if $genre eq "Simulation">>\n[[Flight Simulator]]\n<<else>>\n\n<<if $genre eq "Shmup">>\n[[Star Fox]]\n<<else>>\n\n<<if $genre eq "Sandbox">>\n[[Grand Theft Auto]]\n<<else>>\n\n<<if $genre eq "Arcade">>\n[[Pac-Man]]\n<<else>>\n\n<<if $genre eq "Puzzle">>\n[[Tetris]]\n<<else>>\n\n<<if $genre eq "Action">>\n[[Tomb Raider]]\n[[Batman]]\n[[X-Men]]\n<<else>>\n\n<<if $genre eq "Card">>\n[[Hoyle's]]\n<<else>>\n(If you're seeing this line, something went wrong...)\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n[[Something Else]]\n\n[[Let me choose a Genre again...|Genre]]
<<set $interest = $interest - 1>><<set $score = $score - 1>>\nHow crappy is it that you have to sometimes play games you're not totally interested in?\n\n[[Select a System]]
<<set $subGenre = "Racing Arcade">>\n<<set $score = $score +1>>\nArcade Racing > Simulation Racing, fact!\n\nNow choose a [[Franchise]]
<<if $setting eq "Movie">>The first thing you need to know is that all games based on movies are terrible. Except for <<if $random gte 7>>Robocop<<else>><<if $random gte 4>>The Untouchables<<else>>The Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole<<endif>><<endif>>. I know this because every game reviewer starts their review by telling you how bad movie license games are. So you should probably stop reading this now.<<endif>>
<<set $subGenre = "Solitaire">>\n\nJolly good, now let's select the [[Franchise]]
<<set $score = $score -2>>\n\nBetter knock the score down a bit then just to be safe.\n\nNow let's get into the game's [[Features]].
<<set $score = $score -2>>\n<<set $interest = $interest +1>>\n<<set $dreamcastSad = 1>>\nThings have never been the same since 2001, man. They just haven't been the same. \n\nNow it's time to choose a [[Genre]] that <<print $gameName>> belongs to.
<<set $system = "Wii U">><<set $score = $score -1>>\nGod damn what is UP with this machine you know? It's not next-gen, it's not a handheld, it's both and neither. \n\n[[Does the game have Mario in it?]]
UGH GOD WHY ARE THEY MAKING YOU PLAY THIS DRECK FOR WEIRDOS\n<<set $interest = $interest -2>>\nAlright, we're done here. Let's read the [[Review]]
<<set $subGenre = "Sandbox Space">>\n\nElite is the greatest game ever made. Will <<print $gameName>> be better? \n\nLet's select a [[Franchise]]
[[Yes, it's a Pokemon game]]\n[[No, it's not a Pokemon game|Select A Publisher]]\n
<<set $system = "3DS">>\n<<set $score = $score -2>>\nAKA the system that has that really good Tom Clancy game, which is something you don't hear that often.\n\n[[Does the game have Mario in it?]]\n
<<set $franchise = "Resistance">>\nOK let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]].
<<set $score = $score -2>>\n<<set $interest = $interest -2>>\n<<set $setting = "Movie">>\n\nOH GOD ALL MOVIE LICENSES ARE TERRIBLE EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.\n\nBut... [[Is it a sequel?]]
<<set $gameName = prompt("What's the name of the video game you are reviewing?","Viva Pinata Party Animals 2")>>\n<<if $gameName eq " ">><<set $gameName = "Viva Pinata Party Animals 2">><<else>> <<endif>>\nWhat do you think of this name?\n\n[[It sounds cool.|Great]]\n[[It sounds OK.|Good]]\n[[It sounds dumb.|Bad]]\n\n[[Go back to entering your name|What's your name?]]\n
<<set $subGenre = "RTS">>\n\nNow select a [[Franchise]]
<<set $interest = $interest +1>>\n\nSeriously?\n\n[[LOL, just kidding, of course it is.|Yes it is]]\n
<<set $subGenre = "WRPG">>\n\nOK, now let's choose a [[Franchise]]...
<<set $genre = "Puzzle">>\nWhat kind of puzzle game is it?\n\n[[Video Game Puzzle]] (Tetris, Puyo Puyo, Columns etc)\n[[Real World Puzzle]] (hidden object, spot the difference, Sudoku, etc)
<<set $franchise = "Starcraft>>\nOK let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]].
<<set $score = $score +1>>\n<<set $franchise = "FIFA">>\n<<set $setting = "Sport">>\n<<set $sequel = "Yes">>\n\nEA says that this year's FIFA features an all new super-duper whiz-bang gameplay system that will revolutionise the way the game is played, or something.\n\n[[Features]]
<<set $subGenre = "Management">>\nSweet.\nNow choose a [[Franchise]]\n
<<set $genre = "Arcade">>\nWhat kind of arcade-style game is <<print $gameName>>?\n\n[[Racing|Racing Arcade]]\n[[Shooting|Arcade Shooting]]\n[[Outdoor Activities]]\n[[Quiz]]\n[[Pinball]]\n
<<set $score = $score +1>>\n<<set $franchise = "Madden">>\n\nThe Madden seal of quality.\n\n[[Setting / Plot]]
<<set $score = $score -1>>\nIf you say so, but you'll never be a hardcore game reviewer at this rate!\n\nNow, [[Is it a sequel?]]\n
<<set $system = "Xbox 360">>\n\n<<set $score = $score -1>>\n\nOh Xbox 360, you ad-filled jet engine of a console, you!\n\n[[Select A Publisher]]
<<set $interest = $interest -100>><<set $publisher = "Atari">>\n\n<<print $gameName>> for the <<print $system>> is published by <<print $publisher>>, correct?\n\n[[Yes|Select a Developer]]\n[[No|Select A Publisher]]\n
1) Select the system you are reviewing <<print $gameName>> on:\n\n[[Xbox One]] \n[[PlayStation 4]]\n[[Wii U]]\n[[Nintendo 3DS]]\n[[PlayStation 3]]\n[[PlayStation Vita]]\n[[Xbox 360]]\n[[Xbox 360 - Kinect]]\n[[PC]]\n[[iOS]]\n\n[[Let me choose the name again...|What's the name of the game?]]
<<set $score = $score +1>>\n<<set $interest = $interest-1>>\n<<set $subGenre = "Turn Based">>\n\nFor smart people!\n\nNow select a [[Franchise]]...
<<set $subGenre = "Bullet Hell">>\n\nWhat do you think of Bullet Hell shooters?\n\n[[I love nothing more than a screen full of flashing dots in crazy patterns|subGenre Good]]\n[[Too much for me!|Setting / Plot]]\n[[What the hell is this crap?|subGenre Bad]]\n
<<set $setting = "Kids game or something">>\nAre you writing a review for kids?\n\n[[Yes, kids have taste in games too]]\n[[No, kids are stupid poop heads]]
<<set $feature = "Dog">>\n<<set $interest = $interest +1>>\nBefore you go barking up the wrong tree, unleash yourself and talk about the [[Graphics]]...
<<set $style = "wool">><<set $d = "2D">>Wool is the new black!\n\nOK, let's read the final [[Review]]\n
<<set $setting = "Open world">>\nOK so <<print $gameName>> is an open world game, so there you go.\n\n[[Is it a sequel?]]
<<set $feature = "3D">>\n\nWho needs working eyeballs anyway?\n\nNow let's take a look at the [[Graphics]]
Oh hey we don't judge.\n\nNow let's talk about <<print $gameName>>'s [[Graphic Style]]\n\n<<set $D = "2D">>
<<set $developer = "Blizzard">>\nSeriously how good was Rock'n'Roll Racing guys C'MON\n\nOK let's select a [[Genre]]\n
<<set $franchise = "Elder Scrolls">>\nOK let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]].
Well, fair enough then.\n\n[[Select a System]]
<<set $franchise = "Street Fighter">>\nOK let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]].
<<set $interest = $interest +1>><<set $franchise = "Halo">>\nOK let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]].
<<set $developer = "Rockstar">>\n<<set $score = $score +1>>\n<<set $interest = $interest +1>>\n\nWow Rockstar so edgy!\n\nNow choose a [[Genre]].
<<set $publisher = "Indie">>\n<<set $developer = "Indie">>\n<<set $score = $score +1>>\n\nYeah, right on, cool, all the best games are made in a basement by a group of 20-something art college dropouts that have lived on Ramen noodles for the past four years.\n\nSelect a [[Genre]]
<<set $franchise = "New">>\n\nA new franchise? That's a bit risky, isn't it?\n\n[[I love new things!|New Good]]\n[[I just want to play things I already know!|New Bad]]\n
<<set $graphics = $graphics -1>>\nCartoons are for dumb kids!\n\nOK let's read the [[Review]]...
<<set $interest = $interest -1>>\n\nUgh. This game would have been better if it didn't have to get downgraded for dumbass console players.\n\n[[Select A Publisher]]\n
<<set $system = "PC">>\n<<set $score = $score -1>>\n\nIs this game available on other systems beside PC?\n\n[[Yes|PC Yes]]\n[[No|PC No]]\n
<<set $genre = "Platformer">>\n\nWhat kind of Platformer is it?\n\n[[Metroidvania]]\n[[Old school Platformer|Sub Platformer]]\n
<<set $franchise = "Donkey Kong">>\nOK let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]].
<<set $franchise = "Pro Evo">><<set $setting = "Sports">><<set $sequel = "Yes">>\n\nOK, let's take a look at the [[Features]]
<<set $publisher = "Sony">>\n\nSony.\n\n[[Select a Developer]]\n
<<set $franchise = "Doom">>\nYou're halfway through the process of making your game review. Now let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]].
<<set $franchise = "WoW">>\nOK let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]].
<<set $system = "Kinect">>\n<<set $score = $score -5>>\n\nWhat do you think of the Kinect?\n\n[[Kinect is a pretty cool piece of tech]]\n[[Kinect is hot garbage]]\n
body { color: #222; background-color: #ddd; }
<<set $genre = "Shmup">>\n<<set $subgenre = "Arcade">>\n<<set $franchise = "Star Fox">>\n\nOh man, the Super Nintendo game was great, wasn't it?\n\n[[Setting / Plot]]
<<set $score = $score -2>>\n<<set $interest = $interest -1>>\n<<set $doohickey = 1>>\n\nAwesome just what we need more crap that doesn't work with anyone else's crap.\n\nNow please select a [[Genre]] for the game.
<<set $interest = $interest +2>>\n\nOf course, since you're all professionals, this won't impact the score at all.\n\nNow let's [[select a genre|Genre]]\n\n\n
<<set $graphics = 7>>\n<<set $score = $score +1>>\n\nAre the graphics 3D or 2D?\n\n[[3D|Graphics 3D]]\n[[2D|Graphics 2D]]\n
<<set $genre = "Real World Puzzle">>\n\nFantastic, now does <<print $gameName>> belong to a [[franchise|Franchise]]?
<<set $setting = "Get a gun and shoot people">>\n<<set $interest = $interest +1>>\nWhat a brilliantly innovative game this is!\n\nBut more importantly, [[Is it a sequel?]]\n
<<set $feature = "Moral Choices">>\n\nHow modern! Now let's talk about the [[Graphics]]
<<set $style = "Anime">>\nDo you like Anime?\n\n[[Anime is cool!|Anime is cool]]\n[[It's OK I guess|Review]]\n[[UGH GOD WHAT IS THIS GARBAGE]]\n
<<set $feature = "Blast Processing">>\n<<print $gameName>> does what Nintendon't.\nNow let's talk about the game's [[Graphics]]...
<<set $score = $score +1>><<set $interest = $interest +2>><<set $publisher = "Nintendo">><<set $developer = "Nintendo">><<set $setting = "Mario">><<set $sequel = "Yes">><<set $mario = 1>>\nAwesome! Everyone loves Mario.\n\nWhat kind of Mario game is it?\n\n[[2D Mario]]\n[[3D Mario]]
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<<set $style = "cartoony">>\nDo you like cartoony graphics in your games?\n\n[[Yes|Cartoony Yes]]\n[[No|Cartoony No]]\n
<<print $gameName>> tries to seperate itself from the pack with interesting features. <<if $feature eq "3D">>The 3D effect works well for a while, but prlonged use may lead to some people getting eyestrain after <<print $random *10>> hours. Thankfully there's an option to turn it off.\n<<else>>\n<<if $feature eq "Multiplayer Split Screen">>Unfortunately, using the split screen divides the screen into multiple segements, so you can always see what the other player is doing. It's a shame <<print $developer>> couldn't find some magical way to get around this that nobody else has thought of in the past 40 years of multiplayer gaming.\n<<else>>\n<<if $feature eq "Multiplayer Online">><<if $random gte 5>>The online support for multiplayer is mostly robust, but some infrequent lag mars an otherwise <<if $interest gte 5>>satisfying<<else>>competent<<endif>> experience. You'll find your experience of the online will closely match the quality of your internet connection, and how well the <<if $interest gte 6>>solid<<else>>flaky<<endif>> matchmaking system connects you to nearby players.<<else>><<print $gameName>> was designed mainly as an online experience and it's pretty easy to set up and play. The game automatically logs in to the required server and all you need to do is find some other like minded players to join in the fun with.<<endif>> <<if $subGenre eq "Flight Simulation">>Being in the middle of a massive dogfight with missiles flying everywhere can make for some tense moments, and of course is a lot of fun.<<else>>Enemy AI is strong, but come on, who plays solo these days? Multiplayer is a breeze to get going, and playing against another human is always a far sight more challenging than your <<print $system>> could ever be.<<endif>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $feature eq "Multiplayer Asynchronous">>Asynchronous play takes a while to set up, and it's sometimes annoying that you have to wait for other peple to do things befoe you get to have fun. It's not as immediately rewarding as a fully online system but there's some interesting experiences on offer.\n<<else>>\n<<if $feature eq "IAP">>There are a bevy of <<if $random2 gte 5>>items<<else>>levels<<endif>> and <<if $random1 gte 5>>characters<<else>>weapons<<endif>> available to buy through the game's <<if $interest gte 7>>inobtrusive<<else>>obnoxious<<endif>> in app purchasing system, but players will find that they can safely get through <<if $interest gte 5>>most<<else>>some<<endif>> of the game without outlaying further cash.\n<<else>>\n<<if $feature eq "Achievements">><<if $system eq "PS3">>Trophies<<else>><<if $system eq "Vita">>Trophies<<else>>Achievements<<endif>><<endif>> are ready to be unlocked, if you think that matters any more. They're <<if $interest gte 5>>an interesting way to extend gameplay<<else>>not really worth the effort<<endif>>.\n<<else>>\n<<if $feature eq "Blast Processing">>Everything moves so super fast with the <<if $random gte 5>>technical miracle<<else>>incredible system<<endif>> that is Blast Processing! It's so <<if $random2 gte 5>>super cool<<else>>gnarly<<endif>> and <<if $random1 gte 5>>radical<<else>>bodacious<<endif>>, man! It got so crazy that my <<print $system>> exploded which means it's good, right?\n<<else>>\n<<if $feature eq "Dog">>Wow, you get to play as a dog at some point<<if $random gte 5>>, which proves that this game is truly cutting edge and mature. This will show your parents how important video games are!<<else>>. How cool is that! Damn cool, that's what. <<print $gameName>> is a cool game.<<endif>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $feature eq "Moral Choices">>One of the great things about <<print $gameName>> is that you get to make real moral choices along your way through the complex storyline. It really affects the game in a subtle, mature and nuanced way, like whether or not you end the game by <<if $random gte 5>>killing the children for money<<else>>feasting on the brains of dead prostitutes<<endif>> or <<if $random1 gte 5>>killing yourself in front of your terrified pregnant wife<<else>>appearing on Dean Martin's "Man of the Hour" roast<<endif>>.\n<<else>>\n<<if $feature eq "Toys">><<print $publisher>> are following the success of Skylanders with a range of purchasable toys that unlock new characters in the game. At press time they're estimated to cost $<<print $random2>> each, which is going to get really expensive really quick considering there's <<print $random>> characters to play as. Thankfully I got them all for free so what do I care?\n<<else>>\nThe features of this game are so common that they don't bear repeating here.\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<if $random gte 5>>Co-op features heavily in the game, but it's a shame there's no support for <<print $random2*8>> players at once on the same couch.<<else>>Some people may bemon the lack of co-op play, but this reviewer believes it would have caused ludonarrative dissonance.<<endif>>\n\n
<<set $franchise = "X-Men">>\nOK let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]].
<<set $graphics = $graphics +1>>\n<<set $D = "3D">>\n\nGroovy.\n\nNow let's talk about <<print $gameName>>'s [[Graphic Style]]
<<set $franchise = "Pac-Man">>\nOK let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]].
<<set $subGenre = "Top-Down">>\n\nWhat do you think of Top Down Shooters?\n\n[[Pew Pew!|subGenre Good]]\n[[QQ|subGenre Bad]]\n[[What?|Franchise]]\n
<<set $score = $score -1>>\n<<set $interest = $interest -2>>\nEmbrace the familiar, like you would your morning Wheaties and evening love pillow.\n\nBut what about the [[Franchise]]?
<<set $setting = "Spaceships and aliens">>\n\nPew! Pew! Pew!\n\nSo...[[Is it a sequel?]]
<<set $graphics = $graphics +1>>\nSweet!\n\nOK let's read the [[Review]]...
<<set $subGenre = "Racing Simulation">>\n<<set $interest = $interest -1>>\n\nArcade style racers are better than simulation, that's a fact.\n\nNow select a [[Franchise]]...
<<set $setting eq "boobs">>\n[[Is it a sequel?]]
<<set $interest = $interest +1>>\n\nI bet they'd totally give you a job one day.\n\nOK, now let's [[choose a genre|Genre]]\n
<<set $publisher = "Capcom">>\n\n<<print $gameName>> for the <<print $system>> is published by <<print $publisher>>, correct?\n\n[[Yes|Select a Developer]]\n[[No|Select A Publisher]]\n
<<set $feature = "Multiplayer Asynchronous">>\n<<print $feature>> is all the rage, whatever it is...Miyamoto said so.\n\nNow let's talk [[Graphics]]...
<<set $setting = "Superheroes">>\nFun trivia fact: Spider-Man is the best superhero.\n\nNow, [[Is it a sequel?]]
<<set $interest = $interest +1>>\n\nDid the developer pay a "fee" for you to review their game?\n\n[[Yes, that's standard practice these days|iOS Paid]]\n[[No, that's not how journalism works|Select A Publisher]]\n
(c) 2014 <html><a href="Mailto:gazunta@gazunta.com">Cameron Davis</a></html> <html><a href="http://www.gamereviewsystem.com">www.gamereviewsystem.com</a></html>\n\n
<<set $score = $score +1>><<set $random = Math.round(Math.random() *5)>>\n<<if $random < 5>>Yay!\n<<else>>Good for you! <<endif>>\n<<set $interest = $interest +$random>>\nNow let's talk about <<print $gameName>>'s [[Features]]
<<set $franchise = "Tomb Raider">>\nOK let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]].
<<set $system = "PS4">>\n\n<<set $score = $score +1>>\n\nSeriously why is there no new Ridge Racer for the PS4? It feels wrong somehow. Damn it Namco!\n[[Select A Publisher]]
<<set $subGenre = "Isometric">>\n\nWhat year is it?\n\n[[Uh, it's 2013|subGenre Bad]]\n[[It's always 1987 in my head|subGenre Good]]\n
<<set $interest = $interest +1>><<set $pcExclusive = 1>>\n\nPC MASTER RACE REPRESENT\n\n[[Select A Publisher]]
<<set $subGenre = "Point and Click">>\n<<set $interest = $interest +1>>\n\nFantastic. Now select a [[Franchise]]
Hi! My name's Cameron. Nice to meet you!\n\nI used to write a lot of game reviews. Lots and lots! During my peak time as a game reviewer I was churning out 10-15 reviews of about 300-400 words a day. That was a lot of typing, and I think I lost a finger or two along the way. It was worth it for such amazing rewards as that <<if $random gte 5>>Donkey Kong 64 keychain<<else>>Parappa The Rapper toaster<<endif>>.\n\nI've also collected thousands of old video game magazines, which are full of game reviews. After reading them all I started to realise that you could substitute new games into old reviews and they'd still be mostly accurate. So I started working on this little system which combines the hundreds of reviews I've already written in a way that generates reviews that could work as the real thing.\n\nThere's a long way to go, I have a ton of new things to add to it such as more systems (iOS, Android, Ouya...), more genres, more gameplay features, a way to share reviews, bug fixes, and lots of nice little Easter Eggs to find :)\n\nIf you have an idea for Game Review System, found a bug, want to show off a review you've made, or just want to say hi, please <html><a href="mailto:gazunta@gazunta.com">send me an email!</a></html> \n\nYou can also find me on <html><a href="http://www.twitter.com/gazunta">Twitter: @gazunta</a></html>\n\nI also make <html><a href="http://www.blowthecartridge.com">comics about old video games</a></html>. You can find out more about me at my <html><a href="http://www.gazunta.com">personal site</a></html>.\n\nThanks!\nCameron\n\nChangelog:\nJuly 13 2014: Added "Wool" as a graphics style, thanks Nintendo. Added "Purchasable Toys" as a game feature, thanks Activision / Disney / Nintendo. Added constant whining about co-op, because that's the thing to do now. Fixed a couple of bugs and now SubGenre text is displayed in the final review. \nNov 21 2013: Welcome to the next generation! You can now review PlayStation 4 and Xbox One games! They're exactly the same as the old games! Also Kickstarter is a publisher, apparently. <html><a href="http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/camerondavis/super-blow-the-cartridge-the-retro-gaming-comic-bo/dashboard">Please check out my Kickstarter for Super Blow The Cartridge, it's really awesome and fun!</a></html>\nAug 19 2013: Fixed the intro a bit. Added iOS and Blizzard. I want to add a ton of iOS genres next!\nAug 17 2013: Made it so the default Game and Reviewer names appear if you share the final review link. (Thanks Chris) I need to add sharing buttons under the review. Added a ton of more text from my old reviews. Added Moral Choices, Retro Remakes, Golf, Warhammer, Solitaire and Poker.\nAug 16 2013: Lots of little bug fixes that prevented the franchise details from appearing. \nAug 15 2013: Name Entry field up, added ability to go back a step. Thanks to everyone spreading the word. \nAugust 14 2013: It's up! Still many bugs left to fix. Need to add a name entry field. Need to add iOS, Android, PS4 and Xbox One.
<<set $random = Math.round(Math.random() *10)>><<set $random1 = Math.round(Math.random() *10)>><<set $random2 = Math.round(Math.random() *10)>>\nReview: <<print $gameName>> for the <<print $system>>.\n\n<<display "Review Intro">>\n<<display "Review Movie">>\n<<display "Review Publisher">>\n<<display "Review Franchise">>\n<<display "Review Setting">>\n<<display "Review SubGenre">>\n<<display "Review Feature">>\n<<display "Review Graphics">>\n<<display "Review System">>\n<<display "Review Final">>\n\n<<if $score gte 10>><<set $score = 10>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $score lte 0>><<set $score = 0>>\n<<else>><<set $score = $score>>\n<<endif>><<endif>>\n\n<<if $reviewerName eq "Kritz">>Overall Score: 5/5 Kritz.net<<else>>\n<<if $publisher eq "Atari">>Overall Score: 0/10\n<<else>>Overall Score: <<print $score>> / 10\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<if $badTaste gte 1>>Review by SOME MORON WHO DOESN'T LIKE JEFF MINTER<<else>><<if $reviewerName eq "Brendan Brewer, Video Game Reviewer">>Review by <html><a href="http://funnywebcomic.com/tag/reviewer/">Brendan Brewer, Video Game Reviewer</a></html><<else>>Review by <<print $reviewerName>><<endif>><<endif>>\n\nThanks for using <html><a href="http://www.gamereviewsystem.com">Game Review System!</a></html>\n\n<html></html>
<<set $franchise = "Everquest">>\nOK let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]].
<<set $subGenre = "Video Game Puzzle">>\n\nOkedoky folks, what [[franchise|Franchise]] does <<print $gameName>> belong to?
<<set $setting = "Retro Remake">>\nAh, gaming nostalgia. Remember when you used to have to <html><a href="http://www.blowthecartridge.com">Blow The Cartridge?</a></html>\n\n[[Is it a sequel?]]
<<set $franchise = "Dungeons and Dragons">>\nOK let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]].
<<silently>>\n<<set $random4 = Math.round(Math.random() *10)>>\n<<set $interest = 5>>\n<<set $score = 5>>\n<<if $random4 gte 8>>\n<<set $gameName = "Viva Pinata Party Animals 2">>\n<<else>>\n<<if $random4 gte 6>>\n<<set $gameName = "Happy Feet 3: Tough Luck Mofo">>\n<<else>>\n<<if $random4 gte 4>>\n<<set $gameName = "Killstrike Deathzone 2: The Bloodening">>\n<<else>>\n<<set $gameName = "The Chronicles of Presidog">>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<set $reviewerName = "Brendan Brewer, Video Game Reviewer">><<endsilently>>\n\nWelcome to the Game Review System!\n\nAll the fun of being a game reviewer, without all the pesky typing! Just answer 10 easy questions and Game Review System will generate a review ready for you to submit to your editor!\n\nOK, <<print $reviewerName>>, it's all up to you. Hundreds, maybe dozens of people are counting on your to deliver your opinions about "<<print $gameName>>" with the authority and reliability that only you can provide. You are the most important person ever.\n\n[[Click here to start reviewing!|Select a System]]\n\n\n[[(Wait a second, that's not my name!)|What's your name?]]\n\n[[(I want to review a different game!)|What's the name of the game?]]\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n[[About Game Review System]]\n\n
<<set $interest = $interest +1>><<set $score = $score +1>><<set $reviewerName = "Some utter scumbag who expects developers to pay reviewers bribes in order to get reviewed at all">>\n\nNow here's some developers who know how the business works!\n\n[[Select A Publisher]]
<<set $feature = "Multiplayer Online">>\nPwning anonymous 13 year olds with no lag since 2006.\n\nNow let's talk [[Graphics]]!
<<set $franchise = "Something Else">>\n\nNow let's pick the game's [[Setting / Plot]]
2) <<print $gameName>> is published by...\n\n<<if $system eq "Wii U">>[[Nintendo]]\n<<else>> <<if $system eq "3DS">>[[Nintendo]]<<else>> <<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n[[Microsoft|Pub MS]]\n[[Sony]]\n[[Electronic Arts|Pub EA]]\n[[Ubisoft|Pub Ubisoft]]\n[[Disney|Pub Disney]]\n[[Activision|Pub Activision]]\n[[Warner Brothers|Pub WB]]\n[[ZeniMax|Pub Bethesda]]\n[[Square-Enix|Pub Square]]\n[[Valve|Pub Valve]]\n[[Take 2|Pub Take 2]]\n[[Atari|Pub Atari]]\n[[Konami|Pub Konami]]\n[[Capcom|Pub Capcom]]\n[[Sega|Pub Sega]]\n[[Some Indie|Pub Indie]]\n[[Kickstarter|Pub Kickstarter]]\n[[Other|Pub Other]]\n\n[[Let me choose the System again...|Select a System]]
<<set $genre = "Racing">>\n\nWhat type of racing game is it?\n\n[[Arcade|Racing Arcade]]\n[[Simulation|Racing Simulation]]\n
<<set $franchise = "Championship Manager">><<set $setting = "Sports">><<set $sequel = "Yes">>\n\nOK let's go through the game's [[Features]]
<<set $subGenre = "JRPG">>\n\nOK, now let's choose a [[Franchise]]...
<<set $genre = "FPS">>\n<<set $subGenre = "FPS">>\n\nOK, <<print $gameName>> is a FPS. \n\nWhat [[franchise|Franchise]] is <<print $gameName>>?
<<set $franchise = "3D Mario">>\n<<set $score = $score +1>>\n<<set $interest = $interest +1>>\n<<set $subGenre = "3D Mario">>\n<<set $setting = "Mario">>\n<<set $sequel = "Yes">>\n<<set $D = "3D">>\n\n[[Features]]
<<set $score = $score -1>>\n<<set $publisher = "Warner Bros.">>\n\n<<print $gameName>> for the <<print $system>> is published by <<print $publisher>>, correct?\n\n[[Yes|Select a Developer]]\n[[No|Select A Publisher]]\n
<<set $setting = "Get a gun and shoot people - but you're a GIRL!">>\n<<set $interest = $interest +1>>\nWhat a brilliantly forward-thinking game this is!\n\nBut more importantly, [[Is it a sequel?]]\n
<<set $subGenre = "Flight Simulation">>\n\nWell isn't that nice. Now let's see if it's a [[Franchise]]
<<set $franchise = "Tiger Woods">>\n\nOK let's go through the game's [[Features]]
7) Is it a sequel?\n\n(And that includes prequels, spin-offs, cross-overs, remakes and 'gaiden' games)\n\n[[Yes, it's a sequel]]\n[[No, it's not a sequel|Features]]\n\n[[Let me choose a Setting again...|Setting / Plot]]
<<set $subGenre = "MOBA">>\n\nNow select a [[Franchise]]
<<set $score = $score +1>>\n\nThen it's safe to say that this game will probably be alright, maybe.\n\nNow let's talk about the game's [[Features]].
try \n{\n version.extensions['textinput'] = {\n major:1, minor:0, revision:0\n };\n \n macros['textinput'] = {\n handler: function(place, macroName, params, parser) {\n v = params[0].replace("$","");\n var input= document.createElement('input');\n input.type = "text";\n d = v+"TextInput";\n input.id = d;\n\n input.defaultValue = params[1];\n\n input.addEventListener('keyup', function()\n {\n state.history[0].variables[v] = document.getElementById(d).value;\n });\n place.appendChild(input);\n }, \n init: function() { var v; var d;},\n };\n} catch(e) {\n throwError(place,"textinput Setup Error: "+e.message);\n}
<<set $graphics = 5>>\n\nAre the graphics 3D or 2D?\n\n[[3D|Graphics 3D]]\n[[2D|Graphics 2D]]
<<set $system = "Xbone">>\n<<set $score = $score -1>>\n\nUNPLUG THE CAMERA THEY'RE WATCHING YOU.\n\n[[Select A Publisher]]
<<set $subGenre = "Baseball">>\n\nDo you LIKE Baseball?\n\n[[Yes|subGenre Good]]\n[[No|Franchise]]\n
<<set $score = $score+1>>\n<<set $publisher = "Nintendo">>\nGolly gosh, Nintendo are just so swell!\n\n[[Select a Developer]]
<<set $franchise = "Tetris">>\nOK let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]].
\n<<if $system eq "Wii U">>As the Wii U is struggling to have as many games as possible on its <<if $random gte 5>>troubled <<else>>potentially great <<endif>> system, many look towards <<print $gameName>> to demonstrate what the platform is capable of. <<if $feature eq "Multiplayer Split Screen">>While the multiplayer is capable in a local setting, the online features are crippled and not worth worrying about. <<else>>Off-screen play gets old fast thanks to the tiny screen, <<if $interest gte 5>>but the novel use of the gyroscope in later levels is a great touch. <<else>>and there's nothing here that we haven't seen before.<<endif>><<endif>><<else>><<if $system eq "3DS">>The 3D effect that is part of all 3DS games is <<if $interest gte 5>>put to good use here, with <<else>>largely wasted, with <<endif>> the game's <<if $graphics gte 5>>sumptuous <<else>>tired <<endif>> visuals throwing all sorts of things at the player through the game's 4-6 hour campaign. Dedicated players can make use of the Street Pass and online connectivity, <<if $interest gte 8>>further extending the value for money <<print $gameName>> represents.<<else>> which doesn't really matter since the core game isn't that great. <<endif>><<endif>><<else>><<if $system eq "PS3">><<print $gameName>> is a <<if $interest gte 6>>great<<else>>poor<<endif>> showcase of the PlayStation 3's capabilties. The <<if $graphics gte 6>>intense visuals require the power of the BR-drive and CELL processor <<else>>standard visuals don't push the hardware<<endif>> and its <<if $interest gte 5>>clever <<else>>non-existant <<endif>> use of the DualShock 3's features demonstrate what makes this game such a <<if $score gte 7>>special event of this year's gaming calendar.<<else>>non-event in most people's eyes.<<endif>><<else>><<if $system eq "Vita">>Sony's <<if $interest lte 3>>monstrosity of a <<else>> powerful <<endif>>hand held is always keen to use games like <<print $gameName>> to demonstrate its features, and there's the obligatory touchscreen stuff that feels more at home on a smartphone. <<if $interest gte 5>>Thankfully the game's design makes it feel like a natural extension of the core gameplay systems.<<else>>There's a whole heap of run-your-finger-over-the-screen and shake-the-unit-like-an-idiot mini games that get in the way, thankfully they can be turned off.<<endif>> Developers <<if $developer eq "Unknown">> shouldn't have bothered adding fluff and spent their time working on the actual gameplay. <<else>><<print $developer>> obviously <<if $interest gte 7>>worked hard to make this a game that feels like it needed to be on the Vita. <<else>>got paid in cash moneys to port the game to the Vita and it shows.<<endif>><<endif>><<else>><<if $system eq "Xbox 360">><<print $gameName>> on the <<print $system>> looks roughly on par with other games of its type, but the aging host hardware is to blame for that more than anything else.<<else>><<if $system eq "Kinect">>The Kinect has many detractors, and <<print $gameName>> is another one of them.<<else>><<if $system eq "PC">>Performance is best on a <<if $random gte 5>>ATI<<else>>Nvidia<<endif>> system, and you'll need at least a <<print $random2*11>>00 card to be able to run the game at the now-standard <<print $random1*256>> by <<print $random*198>> resolution with full AA and trilinear mimap interpolation. <<if $interest gte 6>>It's another feather in the PC gaming's cap.<<else>>Stability issues were sometimes a problem.<<endif>> <<if $pcExclusive gte 1>>Being a PC exclusive game, no compromises were made in making this game with full support for all the latest keyboards and pedals and Oculus Rifts and such and such.<<else>><<if $interest gte 6>><<print $publisher>> have done an impressive job of carrying over what made the console versions so great, not to mention adding a feast of new features and effects designed to make your mouth water and your mouse hand twitch with excitement. Not just anyone can indulge in this kaleidoscopic menagerie of dino blasting, though - this party is for owners of the latest cards only.<<else>>It's a shame you can still see some UI compromises that were made for the console ports of this game.<<endif>><<endif>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $system eq "iOS">>iOS gaming continues to <<if $interest gte 6>>get bigger and better<<else>>pollute the gaming scene<<endif>> ever year and there's no better example of that than <<print $gameName>>. <<if $score gte 6>>The touch controls work great and it supports iCloud and even the latest controllers.<<else>>This game would have been a lot better if you could just use a proper controller.<<endif>> I just wish it was <<print $random>> dollars cheaper, but I guess you can always wait for a sale.<<else>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $system eq "Xbone">>Microsoft's <<if $random gte 5>>brave<<else>>questionable<<endif>> foray into the mixing of games, <<if $random1 gte 5>>movies<<else>>television<<endif>> and your living room is battling for <<if $random2 gte 5>>your almighty dollar<<else>>top position on your holiday wish list<<endif>>, so games like <<print $gameName>> have a lot to prove. The game runs at <<print $random1 + $random2 * $random *10>>P at a steady <<print $random1 * $random2>> frames per second, which is comparable to <<if $graphics gte 5>>most games on the market today<<else>>current gen hardware<<endif>>.\n<<else>>\n<<if $system eq "PS4">>Sony's small <<if $interest gte 6>>but perfectly formed<<else>>and sometimes defective<<endif>> new console is turning heads all around the world, and it's mainly because of games like <<print $gameName>>. More important than whether or not the game is actually fun, you need to know that the game is running at <<print ($random + $random1 + $random2) *80>>P resolution at a <<if $graphics gte 5>>rock solid<<else>>juddering<<endif>> <<print $random1 * $random>> frames per second. This is <<print $random2>> pixels <<if $random gte 5>>more<<else>>less<<endif>> than the comparable Xbox One version. Plan your life choices accordingly. \n<<else>>This text shouldn't be here...<<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>>
<<set $publisher = "Nintendo">><<set $developer = "Nintendo">><<set $genre = "RPG">><<set $subGenre = "Pokemon">><<set $franchise = "Pokemon">><<set $setting = "Pokemon">><<set $sequel = "Yes">>\n\nDo you like Pokemon?\n\n[[Yes]]\n[[No, I hate Pokemon]]
<<set $franchise = "Metroid">>\nIs this a [[2D Metroid]] or a [[3D Metroid]]?
<<set $genre = "Platformer">>\n<<set $subgenre = "Metroidvania">>\n\n2D Metroid is the best Metroid\n\n[[Setting / Plot]]
<<if $random gte 5>> <<if $random1 gte 5>><<print $gameName>> is the <<if $interest gte 8>>hotly-anticipated<<else>>cautiously-anticipated <<endif>> <<if $sequel eq "Yes">>sequel <<else>> new game <<endif>> from <<print $developer>>, but is it any good? <<else>>The original game was a surprise hit when it first blasted its way onto screens a while back.<<endif>><<else>>\n<<if $interest gte 8>><<if $random gte 5>>GAMEPLAY IS BACK! Remember gameplay? That magical, golden stuff that kept you attached to your <<print $system>> like an invisible cord? Maybe you've just heard mythical tales about its existence, and didn't really believe in such a wondrous thing. Well, the legends are true. Gameplay exists, and you can get some for yourself by grabbing a copy of <<print $gameName>>.<<else>>This is somewhat cool. In fact, it's so cool that if you put this game in the kitchen people would start opening it up looking for a can of Coke or something. Why is this game the digital equivalent of an iceberg, you ask? Well, it's deep, it's smart and it's downright sexy, that's why.<<endif>><<else>>\n<<if $interest gte 6>><<print $developer>> have been working on <<print $gameName>> for <<print $random2 *1.25>> years now, and anticpation is <<if $interest gte 7>>running high<<else>>mysteriously absent<<endif>> after their last <<if $sequel eq "Yes">>game<<else>>demo<<endif>>. Let's take a look at the final version of their take on the <<if $random2 gte 5>>burgeoning<<else>>dormant<<endif>> <<print $genre>> genre.\n<<else>>\n<<if $interest lte 4>>Get up for a second at look out the window. You see all the houses, and trees, and roads and buildings? Well, somewhere, out there, there are people who are still making by-the-numbers <<print $genre>> games. What I want you to do right now is scream out "Stop it! For the love of humanity make it stop!!". Thanks. Now on with the review.<<else>>\n<<if $random2 gte 5>>What, ANOTHER <<print $subGenre>>? Afraid so, everyone. If you haven't yet gotten sick to death of this genre then keep reading, otherwise...move along folks, there's nothing to see here.\n<<else>><<if $random4 gte 5>>You already know what to expect from <<print $genre>> games. You either love them, hate them or eat them with blackbean sauce. In an overcrowded market a new <<print $genre>> game has to be something truly special to get noticed amongst the crowd, so does <<print $gameName>> have what it takes to make the grade? <<if $score gte 5>>Read on and find out.<<else>>Well, no, not really.<<else>>Well, this isn't something you find everyday. <<print $gameName>> is something that liberally grabs the best bits from almost every game you've ever played before, mixes them together and somehow comes up with something so completely fresh and original that you would almost believe you're witnessing the dawn of a new game-playing age.<<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>>
<<set $score = $score -1>>\n<<set $publisher = "Square-Enix">>\n\n<<print $gameName>> for the <<print $system>> is published by <<print $publisher>>, correct?\n\n[[Yes|Select a Developer]]\n[[No|Select A Publisher]]\n
[[Yes, the game has Mario in it]]\n[[No, the game does not have Mario in it]]
<<set $subGenre = "Twin Stick">>\n\n<<print $gameName>> is a twin stick shooter...\n\n[[Franchise]]
1. [[What's the name of the game?]] Current name: <<print $gameName>>\n2. [[Select a System]] Current system: <<print $system>>\n3. [[Select A Publisher]] Current publisher: <<print $publisher>>\n4. [[Select a Developer]] Current developer: <<print $developer>>\n5. [[Genre]] Current genre: <<print $genre>>\n6. Graphics\n7. Sound\n8. [[Setting / Plot]] Current setting / plot: <<print $setting>>\n9. Other Details\n\n[[OK, show me the review.|Review]]\n\nDebug: \ngameName: <<print $gameName>> \nsystem: <<print $system>>\ngenre: <<print $genre>>\nsubgenre: <<print $subGenre>>\nfranchise: <<print $franchise>>\npublisher: <<print $publisher>>\ndeveloper: <<print $developer>>\nMario: <<print $mario>>\nSetting / Plot: <<print $setting>>\nReviewer Interest: <<print $interest>>\nUnique Feature: <<print $feature>>\nUnique Feature Feature: <<print $subFeature>>\nGraphics: <<print $graphics>>\nSound: <<print $sound>>
<<set $score = $score +2>>\n<<set $publisher = "Valve">>\n\n<<print $gameName>> for the <<print $system>> is published by <<print $publisher>>, correct?\n\n[[Yes|Select a Developer]]\n[[No|Select A Publisher]]\n
<<set $setting = "Sports">>\nSPORTS!\n[[Is it a sequel?]]
<<if $franchise eq "Metroid">>Samus Aran is back for another adventure battling against those dastardly Metroids, in a game that harkens back to the glory days of <<if $random gte 5>>Super Metroid for the Super Nintendo Entertainment System<<else>>Metroid 2 for the original Game Boy<<endif>>, but with obviously nicer presentation.\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "2D Mario">>There's nothing new to be found in this game if you've played any of the "New" Super Mario Bros. titles that Nintendo have foisted upon the world in the last few years, but then again there's nothing new in this pint of ice cream I've been eating for lunch and that suits me just fine.\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "FIFA">>This year's installment of <<print $franchise>> is apparently the best one, according to the nice people at <<print $publisher>> who supplied me with a copy of the game along with a complimentary \n<<if $random gte 10>>trip to Canada<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 9>>basket of kittens<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 8>>round of golf with Tiger Woods<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 7>>crate of energy drinks<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 6>>voucher for $5 off their next game<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 5>>bag of old LEGO bricks<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 4>>VHS copy of Home Improvement Season 4<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 3>><<print $system>><<else>>\n<<if $random gte 2>>iPhone case<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 1>>afternoon of pizza at Chuck E Cheeze<<else>>pound of fresh salmon\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>. <<if $random2 gte 5>>Last year's installment admittedly had a few problem areas in its design but thankfully most, if not all, of them have been given a stern talking to and now behave like the good pieces of code that we have come to expect from an EA Sports game. What FIFA in particular has always been famous for is its enthralling atmosphere - anyone who's been to a packed soccer match will instantly recognise the swelling chants of the crowd as the home team's luck wavers. <<else>>As the dynamic camera sleekly moves its way around the action, spoken commentary rounds out the aural contribution, with an informative mix of calls and anecdotes. Visually, this is an accelerated tour de force - the superb motion captured players have never looked as close to real life in a game of this type as they do here, with everyone running, jumping, kicking and falling about with unnerving accuracy.<<endif>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Pro Evo">>This year's installment of <<print $franchise>> is apparently the best one, according to the nice people at <<print $publisher>> who supplied me with a copy of the game along with a complimentary \n<<if $random gte 10>>trip to Japan<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 9>>inflatable soccer ball<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 8>>round of golf with Tiger Woods<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 7>>crate of energy drinks<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 6>>voucher for $5 off their next game<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 5>>bag of old LEGO bricks<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 4>>VHS copy of Home Improvement Season 4<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 3>><<print $system>><<else>>\n<<if $random gte 2>>iPhone case<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 1>>afternoon of pizza at Chuck E Cheeze<<else>>pound of fresh salmon\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>.\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Madden">>This year's installment of <<print $franchise>> is apparently the best one, according to the nice people at <<print $publisher>> who supplied me with a copy of the game along with a complimentary \n<<if $random gte 10>>trip to Canada<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 9>>basket of kittens<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 8>>pair of John Madden's socks<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 7>>crate of energy drinks<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 6>>voucher for $5 off their next game<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 5>>bag of old LEGO bricks<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 4>>VHS copy of Home Improvement Season <<print $random2>><<else>>\n<<if $random gte 3>><<print $system>><<else>>\n<<if $random gte 2>>iPhone case<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 1>>afternoon of pizza at Chuck E Cheeze<<else>>pound of fresh salmon\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>. I always thought NFL was a bit of a girls sport, to be honest. All of the padding and the needlessly complicated plays were no match to the sheer insanity of Rugby or the fast pace of Soccer, at least in my eyes. Still, there's no doubting that for American Football lovers everywhere Electronic Arts' Madden series represents the pinnacle of home pigskin. This tradition is set to continue with the latest edition of the always popular game, which may be more of the same <<if $score gte 7>>but with quality like this, who's complaining?<<else>>so should be avoided.<<endif>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "NHL">>This year's installment of <<print $franchise>> is apparently the best one, according to the nice people at <<print $publisher>> who supplied me with a copy of the game along with a complimentary \n<<if $random gte 10>>trip to Canada<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 9>>basket of kittens<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 8>>garbage bin full of Wayne Gretzky's tissues<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 7>>crate of energy drinks<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 6>>voucher for $5 off their next game<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 5>>bag of old LEGO bricks<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 4>>VHS copy of Saved By The Bell Season <<print $random2>><<else>>\n<<if $random gte 3>><<print $system>><<else>>\n<<if $random gte 2>>iPhone case<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 1>>afternoon of pizza at Chuck E Cheeze<<else>>pound of fresh salmon\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>. Ice Hockey is such a wonderful sport. The speed, the agility, the frequent fights...oh yes, what fun. Of course I'm far too chicken to actually play the sport itself, so it's a good thing <<print $gameName>> is as close to the real thing as you can get without having to wear a ton of padding (and learn how to balance on those skates).\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Championship Manager">>Patience is a virtue, so they say. In <<print $gameName>> you'll find that not only is it a virtue, it's a necessity if you want to get anything out of this. <<print $genre>> management sims have been around for as long as home computer gaming itself, and the genre has made some great steps forward over the past few years after taking advantage of technology that speeds up the gameplay and actually allows you to watch the game proceed. \n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Tiger Woods">>This year's installment of <<print $franchise>> is apparently the best one, according to the nice people at <<print $publisher>> who supplied me with a copy of the game along with a complimentary \n<<if $random gte 10>>trip to Florida<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 9>>basket of kittens<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 8>>round of golf with Tiger Woods<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 7>>crate of energy drinks<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 6>>voucher for $5 off their next game<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 5>>bag of old LEGO bricks<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 4>>VHS copy of WKRP In Cincinnati Season 4<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 3>><<print $system>><<else>>\n<<if $random gte 2>>iPhone case<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 1>>afternoon of pizza at Chuck E Cheeze<<else>>pound of fresh salmon\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>. <<if $random2 gte 5>>Last year's installment admittedly had a few problem areas in its design but thankfully most, if not all, of them have been given a stern talking to and now behave like the good pieces of code that we have come to expect from an EA Sports game. <<else>>As the dynamic camera sleekly moves its way around the action, spoken commentary rounds out the aural contribution, with an informative mix of calls and anecdotes. Visually, this is a tour de force - the superb motion captured players have never looked as close to real life in a game of this type as they do here, with everyone swinging, putting and talking to the caddy incredibly realistically.<<endif>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Call of Duty">>While it's no surprise that Activision have released a new Call of Duty game, it's nice to see that it's <<if $system eq "Wii U">>on the Wii U! Nobody saw that coming.<<else>>still capable of being <<if $interest gte 7>>interesting<<else>>the same old stuff but with more explosions and swearing and blood and other hardcore maturity things<<endif>><<endif>>.\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Medal of Honor">>\nEA's latest foray into the Medal of Honor <<if $random2 gte 9>>(also known as Medal of Honour in places that spell English words properly) franchise<<else>>franchise<<endif>>has bigger exlosions, meatier blood splatter and lusher, richer beards than any previous game in the series. There's also extra guns, some mature hand-wringing over the moral consequences of using guns, and a multiplayer component that will be ignored in about a month from now.\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Battlefield">>Battlefield 1942 was really good. Then they kept making Battlefield games but I was too busy <<if $random1 gte 5>>playing World of Warcraft<<else>>reading gaming forums<<endif>> to play them. Anyway, there are a lot of guns and things to shoot guns at and also blow up with bombs and people swear in it a lot in the game and also online and it's so mature and next gen. It's a game that will test your ability to get in a plane and then crash it into a tank.\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Doom">>Doom was really cool. Then Doom 2 was really super cool. Then Doom 3 kind of sucked. But now we have a new Doom game! Rumor has it than John Carmack consulted with aliens to get the graphics right. There are lots of guns and robots and demons and '80s era heavy metal album covers on the walls. And of course the BFG is back!\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Wolfenstein">>My <<if $random gte 5>>mother<<else>>Aunt Ethel<<endif>> always said the only good Hitler is a dead Hitler, but Wolfenstein has taught me that the secret best Hitler is Mecha Robot Hitler. Castle Wolfenstein is full of his minions who not only hate jews but hate you too. What a bad place to spend your holidays.\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Resistance">>Insomniac's take on the FPS genre has struggled to establish itself in the gaming world, but it has some good points. The latest version is bigger, better and has more things to shoot than all the other Resistance games combined, according to the carefully word press release that came with the review copy.\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Killzone">>Killzone is the game you saw on the shelves next to the games that you were actually interested in buying. The new Killzone game is even more Killzonier, which I guess means more bad guys in gas masks stand around ready to be shot and stuff.\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Halo">>This game is supposedly about a story or something but really it's about getting completely screwing up driving the Warthog around and bitching about people that chose the wrong map in multiplayer. And now there's a new Halo game!\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Fallout">>The post-apocalyptic role playing adventure has radioactive freaks, an incedibly vast open world to explore, and lots of cute cold war-era symbolism. And more importantly you get to shoot stuff and collect loot, which is always a nice bonus.\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "The Elder Scrolls">>This new installment in the legendary Elder Scrolls saga is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mindbogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to <<print $gameName>>. You can walk around a lot! You can fight ugly monsters! You can talk to people about fighting ugly monsters! Wowie zowie!\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Dungeons and Dragons">>As an official Dungeons and Dragons game, <<print $gameName>> sticks to the official 4e rules for a tactics-heavy experience. After spending hours rolling your characters you and your friends go off to <<if $random gte 5>>smack<<else>>kill<<endif>> some <<if $random1 gte 5>>orcs<<else>>goblins<<endif>>. While this may appear to be just like another fantasy RPG you have to respect it for being true to the original.\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "WoW">>World of Warcraft may be losing subscribers year on year, but there's still more dedicated players than there are people living in <<if $random2 gte 5>>Finland<<else>>Chicago<<endif>>, so that's got to count for something. The new expansion adds <<print $feature>> to the mix as well as a myriad of gameplay balancing tweaks that are sure to excite dedicated fans.\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Final Fantasy">>The last <<print $random>> Final Fantasy games have been pretty much horrible, but we have been pinky promised by an eager Square-Enix PR representative that this one is the least worst we've seen in years. In this installment, you are tasked with exploring a magical world of random encounters, complex character building systems and an incomprehensible storyline. \n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Everquest">>It might surprise you to find out that they still make Everquest, and it will surprise you to know that the new one is pretty <<if $score gte 7>>good<<else>>average<<endif>>. The important things to know about <<print $gameName>> is that there are monsters to kill and loot to find and that blonde girl is on the cover. There are also voxels.\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Ultima">>The Ultima series has been around for as long as there have been computer games, and now we have another one! That's nice.\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Diablo">>Click click click click! All that clicking is back even bigger and better than ever! \n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Warhammer">>Warhammer has been around for as long as anyone can remember, and some say it's the best pen-and-dice RPG ever created. It's certainly made its mark on the gaming world, with dozens of classic titles over the years that have attempted to bring the Warhammer fantasy alive. None of them, however, have done a good a job of recreating the supernaturally charged medieval combat feel as <<print $gameName>>.\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Mario">>There's just something special about a new Mario game. Just opening the packaging is one of those moments you'll be telling someone else's grandchildren about. And with <<print $gameName>> the Miyamoto magic is back.\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Donkey Kong">>Seriously how great a character was Cranky Kong from the original Donkey Kong Country? <<if $random gte 5>>Did you know he was the original Donkey Kong that got locked away by Mario?<<else>>That guy was old and he kept talking about how good the old games were, which is so true.<<endif>> While the new Donkey Kong game doesn't let you control Cranky Kong directly he is around there somewhere helping you collect bananas and coins and all the other whatsits that you spend your time doing in between mine cart riding and winging on vines and dying a lot.\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Mega Man">>It's about time they brought out a new Mega Man, because there hasn't been a real Mega Man game in at least <<print $random>> months now. The innovative "kill a boss and get his powers" bit is back, and there are platforms and lots of dying, so it really feels true to the game's origins.\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Sonic">><<if $random1 gte 5>>I remember back in the golden days of 1991 "borrowing" my father's credit card and jaunting up the toy shop in order to buy the hottest thing to hit console gaming since my uncle spilled some Tabasco sauce on my Atari - Sonic The Hedgehog. I hurried home, plugged the cartridge into the Sega and played to my hearts content...until I finished the entire game two hours later and felt decidedly ripped off. What's the point of this boring trip down memory lane, you might ask? It's to show that the more things change, the more they stay the same, proven remarkably well with <<print $gameName>>.<<else>>The classic Sonic The Hedgehog gameplay has been updated once again, featuring the same running, jumping and spinning moves that made the original series so easy for anyone to pick up and play. Our favourite hedgehog has been given a slick new makeover, making him shinier and spikier than ever before and the now worlds are rich with colour and life. Blasting around the huge levels at a dizzying speed without fear is pretty good fun for a while, and when you get sick of that then you can get down to the business of finding all the hidden stuff.<<endif>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Need for Speed">>\nYou're given a selection of some seriously salubrious sports cars, a huge exotic location and free reign to cause mayhem and mischief. When you crash (and don't say that you won't) you're going to be treated to some dazzling crashes that look almost acrobatic, with plenty of metal being flung into the air which looks great. The cars perform remarkably well, complete with a physics model that behaves just like the real thing<<if $random gte 5>>, or at least as close to it as you could imagine - when was the last time YOU drove one of these babies?<<else>>.<<endif>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Dirt">>\nThere have been a lot of rally-based games hitting the scene lately, with plenty more on the way. Tearing around a dirt track with the tail end of the car swinging out from behind you in a mad dash against the clock is always a fun way to waste an afternoon (er, in front of the <<print $system>> of course). <<print $gameName>> emulates this feeling perfectly, with the most accurate sensation of car handling yet seen. Controlling your officially licensed powerhouse is a lot more technical than you may be used to, and no doubt the first few attempts at clearing the course will see you sliding all over the place and even flying in the air after a spectacular crash.\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Civilization">>\nThe countless statistics and hexagonal map may look a bit old fashioned and somewhat off-putting when you first load this one up, and indeed you'll need to give <<print $gameName>> a lot of time and thought before you get any rewards out of it. However, once you're hooked, you're hooked something fierce. Taking the leading role of a nation and being able to change the face of history is too tempting a proposition to refuse for most true gamers, and <<print $gameName>> pulls this off <<if $score gte 6>>admirably<<else>>to some degree<<endif>>. The depth is staggering, with countless options and strategies open for persuing while the night hours tick away and a tough computer opponent to challenge your long term planning skills. While this game might not be as hip as the more groovier titles out there, <<print $gameName>> still knows how to bust a move.\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Starcraft">>\nOne of the most <<if $interest gte 6>>awesome<<else>>annoying<<endif>> things about the installment of Blizzard's top RTS is that they completely <<if $random1 gte 5>>nerfed<<else>>beefed up<<endif>> the <<if $random gte 5>>Zerg<<else>>Protoss<<endif>> units, resulting in a far more <<if $interest gte 6>>balanced<<else>>frustrating<<endif>> session at the top levels. New players will not mind so much, but the balance issues may be addressed in an upcoming patch.\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Sam and Max">>\nThose adorably psychopathic freelance police are back on patrol! While this game doesn't reach the heady heights of the classic Lucasarts game, there's still enough laughs and head scratchers on offer to please even the most cynical adventure fan.\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Flight Simulator">>\nThis long-running series has almost as many flight hours to its name as a real airline carrier, and for good reason. The new installment promises to make this the most flightiest simulation of flight in the history of flying flight simulations.\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Star Fox">>\nThere have been a lot of good and bad Star Fox games in the series long history, and this one is one of <<if $score gte 8>>the best<<else>>them<<endif>>. Once again Fox McCloud has to take on evil doers in his super duper space ship, ably assisted by the toad guy and the rabbit guy. The story doesn't matter much, what's important is that there's lots of stuff to shoot and you can remember the day you played the old <<if $random gte 5>>SNES<<else>>Nintendo 64<<endif>> game.\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "GTA">>\nThe quest to make the game that is the most offensive to the general public continues with the new GTA, which puts you in the starring role of a giant roller-coaster ride of car-jackings, reckless endangerment, murder and being the city's biggest pain in the rear. You can run around the streets giving knuckle sandwiches to passer-by, or grab the nearest car (or bike, or truck, or bus...) and lay waste to anything on the roads. Giving all of this needless violence a reason (like you psychopaths need any) is a storyline involving you trying to make it big in the seedy world of crime, and doing anything that it takes to get there.\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Pac-Man">>\nAs one of the most iconic video game characters in history, you would think that Namco would take more care of his legacy. <<print $gameName>> has all the familiar landmarks of a Pac-Man game - power pellets, ghosts that chase you around, and the thumping bass sound - and mixes it up with fresh new gameplay elements that will surprise you when you play the game yourself.\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Tetris">>\nA good portion of my life has been devoted to Tetris. For nearly ten years now I've sat in front of the game on one machine or another, my face totally vacant and my brain locked onto the task of arranging those falling blocks. It's quite easily one of the best games of all time, as well as being one of the most popular. Is there anyone out there who's never played it? Well, those two of you should definitely check this out.\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Tomb Raider">>\nThe same 3D platform/puzzle solving gameplay is still intact but a few new layers of depth have been added. Level design has gone into new realism of beauty with a more natural look to the surroundings, as have the character designs. The wildlife possess animation good enough to make you want to leave them alone (which is usually a bad idea) and of course Ms. Croft has been given a healthy dose of cosmetic surgery - she looks more like a real human than ever before...a mean, Amazonian death dealing one though.\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Batman">>\nBatman has had a fantastic run of licensed games to his name, <<if $score gte 6>>and this is another one.<<else>>but <<print $gameName>> may just stop the caped crusader in his tracks.<<endif>> Armed with his famous selection of martial arts abilities, utility belt gadgets and a carefully manicured stubble, Batman must battle the usual assortment of villains from his rogues gallery who are threatening the good people of Gotham City. \n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "X-Men">>\nMarvel's mad mutants have been given the videogame treatment for over a decade now, and the latest attempt to bring them to cyber-life is the most <<if $score gte 7>>successful<<else>>worrying<<endif>> yet. \n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "New">><<if $random1 gte 5>>Hey, this is different. It's nice to see a solid, well presented and very playable game of this type appear without the usual hype and fanfare, and get plenty of attention for its gameplay rather than its sexy heroine or Hollywood guest stars.<<else>><<print $gameName>> is a brand new IP in a world full of established ideas, and it's a fresh new take on the <<print $genre>> genre with fresh <<print $D>> visuals and <<print $feature>>.<<endif>> The <<print $developer>> team have <<if $score gte 6>>have made it work<<else>>dropped the ball<<endif>>.\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Something Else">>\nYou already know what to expect from <<print $gameName>> after the last game in the series, and <<print $publisher>> doesn't <<if $random gte 5>>disappoint<<else>>offer any surprises<<endif>>. There's some new stuff, some irratiting bugs have been ironed out, and a new storyline bolted on to make everything look welcoming for newcomers. \n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Street Fighter">>The greatest fighting game series is back, which is great because there hasn't been a new one in weeks now and we were starting to get a bit antsy. <<if $system eq "Xbox 360">>Don't bother playing this with the standard 360 controller by the way real pros use an arcade stick that costs at least twice what the game does.<<else>>With increasing competition from other established and new fighting games on the scene, it's going to take more than alternate costumes and balance tweaks for this Street Fighter to hit the spot.<<endif>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $franchise eq "Hoyle's">>Hoyle's series of card games are still kicking around, and since I haven't worked my way up the ladder enough to review the new Call of Duty I get sent this instead\n<<else>>\n(This text shouldn't be here...something went wrong) <<print $genre>> <<print $subGenre>> <<print $system>> <<print $publisher>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>
<<set $score = $score -1>>\n<<set $publisher = "Electronic Arts">>\n\n<<print $gameName>> for the <<print $system>> is published by <<print $publisher>>, correct?\n\n[[Yes|Select a Developer]]\n[[No|Select A Publisher]]\n
<<set $subGenre = "FPS">>\n<<set $interest = $interest +1>>\n<<set $setting = "Get a gun and shoot people - but you're a GIRL!">>\n<<set $sequel = "Yes">>\nNow let's talk about <<print $gameName>>'s most marketable [[Features]].\n
<<set $score = $score -1>>\n<<set $publisher = "Disney">>\n\n<<print $gameName>> for the <<print $system>> is published by <<print $publisher>>, correct?\n\n[[Yes|Select a Developer]]\n[[No|Select A Publisher]]\n
<<set $genre = "Sports">><<set $setting = "Sports">>\nWhat kind of Sports game is <<if $gameName>><<print $gameName>><<else>>the game<<endif>>?\n\n[[Baseball]]\n[[Football]]\n[[Soccer]]\n[[Cricket]]\n[[Ice Hockey]]\n[[Rugby League]]\n[[Management]]\n[[Golf]]\n\n[[It's not a Sports game!|Genre]]\n
<<set $subGenre = "Arcade Shooting">>\nPew pew pew!\n\nNow choose a [[Franchise]]
<<set $franchise = "Battlefield">>\nOK let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]].
<<set $score = $score -1>>\n<<set $mario = 0>>\n\nYou know deep in your heart it would be better if it had Mario in it.\n\n[[Is it a Pokemon game?]]
8) What is the key feature of <<print $gameName>>?\n\n[[3D]]\n[[Multiplayer]]\n[[In App Purchases]]\n[[Achievements / Trophies|Achievements]]\n[[Blast Processing]]\n[[There's a Dog in it|Dog]]\n[[Moral Choices]]\n(New!)[[You can buy toys to unlock characters|Toys]]\n\n[[What was that about sequels again?|Is it a sequel?]]\n
<<set $reviewerName = prompt("What's your name?","Brendan Brewer, Video Game Reviewer")>>\n\nOK, <<print $reviewerName>>, it's all up to you. Hundreds, maybe dozens of people are counting on your to deliver your opinions with the authority and reliability that only you can provide. You are the most important person ever.\n\n[[What's the name of the game?]]\n\n[[Get started on the review|Select a System]]\n
<<set $publisher = "Take 2">>\n\n<<print $gameName>> for the <<print $system>> is published by <<print $publisher>>, correct?\n\n[[Yes|Select a Developer]]\n[[No|Select A Publisher]]\n
<<set $subGenre = "Wrestling">>\n\nUndertaker was pretty cool.\n\nNow choose a [[Franchise]]
3) Select a Developer:\n\n[[Some indie darling|Dev Indie]]\nAn [[unknown dev|Dev Unknown]] team who are probably all being laid off as soon as the game comes out\n[[Same as the Publisher|Dev Publisher]]\n[[Rockstar|Dev Rockstar]]\n[[Blizzard|Dev Blizzard]]\n\n[[Let me choose the Publisher again...|Select A Publisher]]
<<set $subGenre = "One-on-One">>\n\nNow select the [[Franchise]] that <<print $gameName>> belongs to...
<<set $score = $score -1>>\n<<set $publisher = "Ubisoft">>\n\n<<print $gameName>> for the <<print $system>> is published by <<print $publisher>>, correct?\n\n[[Yes|Select a Developer]]\n[[No|Select A Publisher]]\n
<<set $feature = "Toys">>\nHopefully <<print $publisher>> are sending you a bag of these toys you can flog on eBay later!\n\nNow let's talk about the [[Graphics]]
<<set $franchise = "Killzone">>\nOK let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]].
<<set $publisher = "Microsoft">>\n\nMicrosoft published <<print $gameName>>, and they published Halo! Then again they also published Viva Pinata Party Animals so who knows what this one will be like.\n\n[[Select a Developer]]
<<set $score = $score +1>>\n<<set $interest = $interest +1>>\n\nFlailing Your Arms Around Defence Force represent!\n\n[[Select A Publisher]]
<<set $style = "retro">><<set $D = "2D">>\nBeing nostalgic for your parent's childhood is just the coolest!\n\nOK, let's read the final [[Review]]
<<set $feature = "IAP">>\nThe scourge of real gaming.\n\nNow let's talk about the [[Graphics]]
<<set $subGenre = "Outdoor Activities">>\n<<set $score = $score -5>>\nAnd by Outdoor Activities we generally mean shooting innocent animals in the name of sport. Ugh.\n\nNow choose a [[Franchise]]
<<set $graphics = $graphics -1>>\n\nThe real world has a boring art style.\n\nNow let's see the [[Review]]
<<if $publisher eq "Activision">>\n<<set $developer = "Activision">>\n<<set $score = $score -3>>\n\n[[This is one of those games that require some over priced plastic doo-hickeys]]\n[[It's just a regular video game.|Genre]]\n<<else>>\n<<if $publisher eq "Ubisoft">>\n<<set $developer = "Ubisoft">>\n\nNow pick a [[Genre]]\n<<else>>\n<<if $publisher eq "Valve">>\n<<set $developer = "Valve">>\n<<set $score = $score +1>>\n<<set $interest = $interest +1>>\n\nIs this Half Life 3?\n\n[[Yes, it's Half Life 3]]\n[[No, it's not|Genre]]\n<<else>>\n<<if $publisher eq "Nintendo">>\n<<set $score = $score +1>>\n<<set $interest = $interest +1>>\n\nOOoooooh Nintendo.\n\nIt's a [[Star Fox]] game.\nIt's a [[Metroid]] game.\nIt's a Smash Bros. game.\nIt's a Wario game.\nIt's a Pimkmin game.\nIt's a Zelda game.\nIt's something else entirely.\n<<else>>\n<<if $publisher eq "Sega">>\n<<set $developer = "Sega">>\n<<set $score = $score +1>>\n\nAre you still sore that the Dreamcast got beaten like a red-headed stepchild?\n\n[[It still keeps me up and night|Sad Sega]]\n[[What's a Dreamcast?|Genre]]\n<<else>>\n<<if $publisher eq "EA">>\n<<set $developer = "EA">>\n<<set $score = $score -1>>\n\nEA!\n\nNow select a [[Genre]]\n<<else>>\n<<if $publisher eq "Kickstarter">>\n<<set $developer = "Kickstarter">>\nAgain, Kickstarter is not a game development company. Why do so many game reviewers not understand this?\n\nNow select a [[Genre]]\n<<else>>\n<<set $developer = $publisher>>\nOk thanks. Now let's move onto the next step. Select a [[Genre]]\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>
<<set $developer = "Indie">>\n\nDo you know these guys?\n\n[[I hang out with them all the time!|Indie Hangout]]\n[[I follow them on Twitter|Indie Twitter]]\n[[I don't know them at all|Genre]]\n\n
Describe the type of multiplayer:\n\n[[Split Screen]]\n[[Online]]\n[[Asynchronous...it's a big word that means everyone takes turns|Asynchronous]]\n
<<set $score = $score -1>>\n<<set $publisher = "Kickstarter">>\n\nYou do know that Kickstarter isn't actually a publisher, right? It's just a fund raising system. \n\n[[Yes, but I'm going to act like it is a publisher anyway|Select a Developer]]\n[[No|Select A Publisher]]
<<set $genre = "Strategy">>\n\n<<print $gameName>> is a [[turn-based]] strategy game\n<<print $gameName>> is a [[real time]] strategy game\n<<print $gameName>> is a [[MOBA]]
<<set $badTaste = 1>>\n\nOpinion noted.\n\n[[Is it a sequel?]]
<<set $setting = "Jeff Minter">>\n\n[[I like Jeff Minter]]\n[[I do not like Jeff Minter]]\n
<<set $subGenre = "Soccer">>\n\nThe round-ball game. \n\nIs this a [[FIFA]] game?\nIs this a [[Pro Evo]] game?\nis this a [[New Franchise]]?\n\n
10) What style of graphics does <<print $gameName>> use?\n\n[[Cartoony]]\n[[Anime]]\n[[Realistic]]\n[[Retro]]\n(New!) [[Wool]]\n\n[[Let me rate the Graphics again...|Graphics]]\n
<<set $franchise = "NHL">><<set $setting = "Sports">><<set $sequel = "Yes">>\nThe best bit of Mallrats was where they played Sega Hockey.\n\nNow please select the game's [[Features]]\n
<<set $setting = "Aliens">>\nGame over, man! \n[[Is it a sequel?]]
<<set $subGenre = "Platformer">>\n\nOK, let's choose a [[Franchise]]
<<set $franchise = "Night at the Inventory">>\nI'll fold.\n\nOK let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]].
<<set $setting = "Fantasy">>\nOrcs and Goblins and stuff!\nBut, [[Is it a sequel?]]\n
<<set $system = "Vita">>\n\nIs it a downgraded port of an already existing game that looks and plays better on another system?\n\n[[Yes it is]]\n[[No it isn't]]
<<set $score = $score -1>>\n<<set $publisher = "ZeniMax">>\n\n<<print $gameName>> for the <<print $system>> is published by <<print $publisher>>, correct?\n\n[[Yes|Select a Developer]]\n[[No|Select A Publisher]]\n
<<set $franchise = "Flight Simulator">>\nOK let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]].
<<set $franchise = "Mega Man">>\nOK let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]].
<<set $franchise = "Batman">>\nBATMAN BATMAN BATMAN\n\nNow choose the game's [[Setting / Plot]]\n\n
<<set $franchise = "Need for Speed">>\nOK let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]].
<<set $score = $score -1>>\n<<set $publisher = "Activision">>\n\n<<print $gameName>> for the <<print $system>> is published by <<print $publisher>>, correct?\n\n[[Yes|Select a Developer]]\n[[No|Select A Publisher]]\n
<<set $genre = "Adventure">>\n\nWhat type of adventure game is it?\n\n[[Point and Click]]\n[[Not Point and Click]]
<<set $genre = "RPG">>\nWhat kind of RPG is this?\n\n[[J-RPG|JRPG]]\n[[W-RPG|WRPG]]\n
<<set $random = Math.round(Math.random() *10)>>\n<<if $random gte 7>>\n9) How are the graphics?\n\n[[Eye-meltingly effective|Graphics Great]]\n[[Head-scratchingly humdrum|Graphics OK]]\n[[Tumor-causingly terrible|Graphics Bad]]\n\n<<else>>\n\n<<if $random gte 4>>\n9) How are the graphics?\n\n[[Groin-grabbingly good|Graphics Great]]\n[[Pulse-pumpingly passable|Graphics OK]]\n[[Suicide-inducingly sucking|Graphics Bad]]\n\n<<else>>\n\n9) How are the graphics?\n\n[[Mouth-frothingly magnificent|Graphics Great]]\n[[Nonchalantly-feeling nondescript|Graphics OK]]\n[[Gag-reflexingly garbage|Graphics Bad]]\n\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n\n[[Let me choose the main feature again...|Features]]
4) What genre does <<print $gameName>> belong to?\n\n[[Sports]]\n[[First Person Shooter]]\n[[Role Playing Game|RPG]]\n[[Platformer]]\n[[Fighting]]\n[[Racing]]\n[[Strategy]]\n[[Adventure]]\n[[Simulation]]\n[[Shoot 'em up]]\n[[Sandbox]]\n[[Arcade]]\n[[Puzzle]]\n[[Action]]\n[[Card Games]]\n\n[[Let me go back a step...|Select a Developer]]
<<set $subGenre = "Golf">>\nFantastic, now let's select a [[Franchise]]
<<set $subGenre = "Quiz">><<set $score = $score -1>><<set $interest = $interest -1>>\nThis stuff's huge in pubs, apparently.\n\nNow choose a [[Franchise]]\n\n
<<set $interest = $interest+2>>\nAll according to keikaku.\n[[Review]]
<<set $subGenre = "Brawler">>\n\nFun trivia fact: Streets of Rage is better than Final Fight.\n\nOK, now select a [[Franchise]]
<<set $interest = $interest + 1>>\n<<set $score = $score +1>>\n<<set $random = Math.round(Math.random() *10)>>\n\nWith a name like <<print $gameName>>, you're already <<if $random gte 8>>super excited!<<else>><<if $random gte 5>>on board!<<else>><<if $random gte 3>>frothing in anticipation!<<else>>glad you scored a free review copy.<<endif>><<endif>><<endif>>\n\n[[Select a System]]
<<set $score = $score +1>>\n<<set $interest = $interest +1>>\nYay!\n\nNow tell me about the [[Setting / Plot]].
<<set $subGenre = "Metroidvania">>\n\nOh goodie that'll make writing the review easier.\n\n[[Franchise]]
<<set $score = $score -1>>\n<<set $publisher = "Sega">>\n\n<<print $gameName>> for the <<print $system>> is published by <<print $publisher>>, correct?\n\n[[Yes|Select a Developer]]\n[[No|Select A Publisher]]\n
<<set $genre = "Card">>\n\nWhat type of Card game is it?\n\n[[Solitaire]]\n[[Poker]]
<<set $genre = "Sandbox">>\nIs this set in...\n\n[[Earth|Sandbox Earth]]\n[[Space|Sandbox Space]]\n
<<set $score = $score +1>>\n<<set $interest = $interest +1>>\nYay!\n\nNow tell me about the [[Franchise]].
<<set $franchise = "Sam and Max">>\nOK let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]].
<<set $franchise = "Warhammer">>\nOK let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]]
<<set $franchise = "GTA">>\nOK let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]].
<<set $franchise = "Call of Duty">>\nOK let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]]
<<set $subGenre = "Rugby">>\n\nDo you live in a country that pays Rugby?\n\n[[Yes, and Rugby is awesome|subGenre Good]]\n[[Yes, but I'm not really into it|Franchise]]\n[[No, what the hell is Rugby?|subGenre Bad]]\n
6) Choose the Setting / Plot of the game:\n\n[[Get a gun and shoot people]]\n[[Get a gun and shoot people - but you're a GIRL!]]\n[[Spaceships and aliens]]\n[[Superheroes]]\n[[You kill zombies]]\n[[Movie License]]\n[[Sneaking around and stabbing punks]]\n[[Big Tough Angry Man!!!!]]\n[[Intergalactic Warfare]]\n[[Open world]]\n[[Kids game or something]]\n[[Girls get their boobs out maybe!]]\n[[Sports Time]]\n[[Simulation of a real world thing]]\n[[Fantasy]]\n[[It's like Aliens]]\n[[Retro Remake]]\n[[Jeff Minter]]\n\n[[Let me choose a Franchise again...|Franchise]]
<<set $interest = $interest -3>>\n<<set $score = $score -1>>\nDamn straight. Now, [[Is it a sequel?]]
<<set $franchise = "Final Fantasy">>\nOK let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]].
<<if $score gte 8>>Game of the Year contender? <<if $subGenre eq "Flight Simulation">><<print $gameName>> will have you flying high for ages.<<else>> Maybe!<<endif>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $score gte 7>><<if $genre eq "Racing">><<print $gameName>> is powered by a winning formula - solid gameplay as the chassis with a custom built graphical engine underneath the hood running on physics-enhancing fuel - and is a must for racing fans of all shapes and sizes. Excellent.<<else>><<if $random1 gte 5>>I liked it, all my mates liked it, even my dog likes it, and chances are you will too.<<else>><<if $random2 gte 5>>It's good. You should buy it I guess.<<else>> If you are a big fan of this style of game and reckon you're up to the challenge, then <<print $gameName>> does actually come recommeded, despite the aforementioned grievances.<<endif>><<endif>><<endif>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $score gte 6>><<if $sequel eq "Yes">>It's also hard to recommend this to owners of the first game in this series, as the gameplay is far too similar to warrant owning both titles.<<else>><<if $random1 gte 5>>What are you waiting for? Go out and get it now!<<else>><<if $subGenre eq "RTS">>So is it any good? Well, it has to be said that this is a game designed by and for real time strategy nuts. If you're one of them, and you still don't feel the need to go outside and get some fresh air, then by all means, get to it and send us a postcard. Everyone else who wants to keep their social lives active, move along...<<else>>Highly recommended for <<print $genre>> fans and anyone who's after a good time.<<endif>><<endif>><<endif>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $score gte 5>><<if $random gte 5>>That being said though, everything else holds up just fine and this is a welcome addition to any die-hard gamer's library. Just don't expect to be playing it a month from now.<<else>>Be warned though, after all is said and done it's yet another <<print $genre>> game to throw on the pile...<<endif>><<else>>\n<<if $score gte 4>>Fans of the <<print $genre>> genre will like what they see here, but others should try before they buy.\n<<else>>\n<<if $score gte 3>>Given enough time and money, <<print $gameName>> could really be something special. However as it stands right now it's just too unpolished to recommend to anyone.<<else>>\n<<print $gameName>> just doesn't come together in the end, and will leave <<print $subGenre>> afficianados wanting more.\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>
<<set $setting = "Simulation">>\nOK, but [[Is it a sequel?]]
<<set $genre = "Shmup">>\n\nWhat kind of Shoot 'em up is <<if $gameName>><<print $gameName>><<else>>the game<<endif>>?\n\n[[Top-down]]\n[[Bullet Hell]]\n[[Isometric]]\n[[Twin Stick]]\n
<<set $score = 10>>\n<<set $interest = 10>>\n<<set $random = Math.round(Math.random() *10)>>\n\n<<if $random gte 9>>\nYou have great taste, and people should spend their lives trying to be more like you.\n<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 8>>\nWhen the revolution comes, you're who I'm going to keep safe.\n<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 7>>\nYou're just the best. THE BEST.\n<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 6>>\nHot damn, now here's a game reviewer who really knows their stuff!\n<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 5>>\nYour ideas intrigue me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.\n<<else>>\n<<if $random gte 4>>\nHELL YES JEFF MINTER IS AMAZING.\n<<else>>\nThanks for showing the world what a cool person you are.\n<<else>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\n<<endif>>\nSo, is this game a [[sequel|Is it a sequel?]]?\n
<<set $franchise = "Hoyle's">>\nThey're still in business, somehow!\n\nOK let's look at the [[Setting / Plot]].
Oh man Pokemon sucks what do kids see in this garbage?\n\n<<set $score = $score -1>>\n<<set $interest = $interest -2>>\n\n[[Features]]
Did the developer pay a "fee" for you to review their game?\n\n[[Yes, that's standard practice these days|iOS Paid]]\n[[No, that's not how journalism works|Select A Publisher]]\n
<<set $subGenre = "Sandbox Earth">>\n\nOK, <<print $gameName>> is set on Earth, or something like Earth, or whatever, gotcha.\n\nNow let's select a [[Franchise]].
<<set $score = $score -1>>\n<<set $publisher = "Konami">>\n\n<<print $gameName>> for the <<print $system>> is published by <<print $publisher>>, correct?\n\n[[Yes|Select a Developer]]\n[[No|Select A Publisher]]\n
<<set $sequel = "Yes">>\n<<set $score = $score +1>>\n\nDid the last game get good review scores?\n\n[[Yes, the last game got good review scores\n]]\n\n[[No, the last game did not get good review scores]]\n
<<set $interest = $interest -2>>\n<<set $score = $score -1>>\n\nYep, it's definitely a PlayStation Vita game then.\n\n[[Select A Publisher]]
<<if $setting eq "Sports">><<if $random1 gte 5>>The <<if $random2 gte 5>>thrill<<else>>excitement<<endif>> of <<print $subGenre>> is on display in <<print $gameName>>. Controlling these athletic juggernaughts can be a tad tricky at first, but persistence pays off with some stunning moves based on your on-screen character's "real" performance. Pulling off a special, once-a-game stunt is especially great for the ego.<<else>>With a ton of sports game hitting the market seemingly every week, a game needs to be something special to stand out of the crowd. <<print $gameName>> definitely has a lot going for it with realism levels at an all-time high<<if $score gte 7>> and, more importantly, it's a lot of fun!<<else>>.<<endif>><<endif>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $mario gte 1>>Oh no! Bowser is back and he's <<if $marioKart gte 1>>brought some go karts for everyone to race on.<<else>>kidnapped Peach again or something.<<endif>> Seriously does anyone even care about the plot for a Mario game? \n<<else>>\n<<if $setting eq "Movie">><<print $gameName>> closely follows the events and characters of the movie of the same name, except for the bits that are different because the developers were the last people on the planet that were allowed to see the script. Moviegoers will recognise the memorable locations like the <<if $random1 gte 5>>alien bowling alley<<else>>frozen yoghurt store<<endif>>. It's a shame that the characters aren't voiced by the real movie's actors.\n<<else>>\n<<if $setting eq "Jeff Minter">>If you like trippy psychadelic backgrounds and fast-paced shoot 'em up gameplay, then <<print $gameName>> is for you. There are camels and yaks and goats and fluffy sheep and explosions and vibrant colours and '80s sound effects and all that stuff. The aim of the game is to shoot everything and save the sheepies and remember to make an appointment with the eye doctor tomorrow.\n<<else>>\n<<if $setting eq "Get a gun and shoot people">>Set in a <<if $random2 gte 5>>wartorn<<else>>violent<<endif>> part of the world, the game hands you the task of shooting all the <<if $random1 gte 7>>nazis<<else>><<if $random1 gte 4>>aliens<<else>>terrorists<<endif>><<endif>> before they shoot you. Some of them are tougher than others. Some need to be shot in the head or the leg before they die. Over the course of the game you will have the choice of over <<print $random *4>> weapons and your character has a great beard.\n<<else>>\n<<if $setting eq "Get a gun and shoot people - but you're a GIRL!">>Set in a <<if $random2 gte 5>>wartorn<<else>>violent<<endif>> part of the game's fantasy world, the game hands you the task of shooting all the <<if $random1 gte 7>>nazis<<else>><<if $random1 gte 4>>aliens<<else>>terrorists<<endif>><<endif>> before they shoot you. Some of them are tougher than others. Some need to be shot in the head or the leg before they die, and some cutscenes show you feeling bad about it. Over the course of the game you will have the choice of over <<print $random *4>> weapons and your character has a great rack.\n<<else>>\n<<if $setting eq "Spaceships and aliens">>\n<<if $random gte 5>>Pew! Pew! Pew! The aliens are back to cause havok for you and everyone you love. So it's time for you to get your spaceship and blast 'em all out of the sky. Do you have what it takes to zap the high scores and joystick all the video game nasties.<<else>><<print $gameName>> may be an old school shooter deeply set in traditional values, but it's the simple things in life that are often the best and this game is no exception. It's time to turn your brain off and your auto-fire on as you take to the void in a valiant effort to wipe out the typical array of space nasties...again.<<endif>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $setting eq "Superheroes">>Biff! Bam! Pow! There have been plenty of games based on comic book heros, and some of them have been bad (usually Superman games) and some of them have been good (usually Batman games). Now <<print $gameName>> tries to emulate the world of the comics it is based on, coming complete with all the familiar characters and locations. However, the key emotional subtext that drives the comic's stories has been squeezed into the trappings of a <<print $genre>> video game.\n<<else>>\n<<if $setting eq "You kill zombies">><<if $random gte 5>>The zombies are back and you have to kill them. That's pretty much all you need to know except <<if $sequel eq "Yes">>that some characters from the previous game appear in this one, which will be good for fans of those chracters.<<else>>for all the bits in the game that is about other stuff besides killing zombies.<<endif>><<else>>Ooh! Zombies! Help me Smithers, the zombies are mad at us! Oooh! So, it looks like the horror genre has definitely returned from the (un)dead. Tons of movies, books (do people still read books?) and TV shows are full of zombies, vampires, demons and all that junk we got so sick and tired of ten years ago featuring prominently. And here we have <<print $gameName>>, a game that is full of blood, gore, decapitated corpses and all the other yummy stuff that you kids love so much.<<endif>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $setting eq "Sneaking around and stabbing punks">>\n<<if $random gte 5>>There's a nefarious organisation up to no good but thankfully you're just the man to take care of them with your sneaking skills. You get a knife and you get to stab people before they notice you and call for help, so it's like playing hide and go seek with people you don't like.<<else>>The storyline (why do they bother?) goes that you, playing as one of four characters (each of which, you guessed it has a unique style and has different strengths and weaknesses) determined to clean up some crime of some sort in the only way they know how. They're not after any kind of street crime however - after all, it's the muggers and drug dealers that make the city such a viable tourist attraction - what your character wants is the head of an evil crime syndicate, housed high up in an inner city building, who did something bad that was explained in a cutscene that I skipped.<<endif>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $setting eq "Big Tough Angry Man!!!!">>\nYou're a big tough angry game and you're going to hit people! Nobody can stop your unstoppable rampage through the game's varied levels of destruction. You start the game hitting small things and watching small cutscenes before working your way up to hitting bigger things and watching larger cutscenes. Everything can be hit and you yell and scream and hate your step-dad some more.\n<<else>>\n<<if $setting eq "Intergalactic Warfare">>\n<<print $gameName>> is an intergalactic space opera that reaches across galaxies, time and weird freaky alien races. You play as one particular species and interact with other species like rock people and silicon people and flower people and you sometimes shoot them and sometimes talk to them and sometimes have sex with them. It's a game about space and the choices you make in it.\n<<else>>\n<<if $setting eq "Open world">>\n<<print $developer>>'s take on the open world genre lets players explore a complex, living environment full of interesting characters that react to your actions. You can explore the world as much as you like until you reach a bit where you can't go any further. \n<<else>>\n<<if $setting eq "Kids game or something">>\nThis game is based on a popular children's cartoon or book or something. It has cute, colorful characters who parade around the screen and do the things they're known for doing. And now you can do them too. \n<<else>>\n<<if $setting eq "boobs">>\nThis adult game features all the mature elements that real grown ups can appreciate in a modern video game that pushes the limit of what interactive entertainment can be known for, like boobs. Boobs make <<print $gameName>> a game that people can respect. And maybe there'll be more sexy times ahead!\n<<else>>\n<<if $setting eq "Simulation">>Being able to take to the skies in a state of the art <<if $subGenre eq "Flight Simulation">>fighter plane<<else>> high performance vehicle<<endif>> is a dream not many people get to live out, which is you may be interested in this.<<else>>\nThe setting of the game doesn't really matter, I guess. You're in an environment and you have to do things to progress. It's a video game!\n<<else>>\n<<if $setting eq "Fantasy">>The medievil settings are deliciously rendered, with glorious lighting effects decorating the dozens of rooms that are packed full of detail and hidden items. The characters that you encounter are full of life, something which you can remove from the more nasty types that lurk in the shadows with your trusty braodsword. <<if $random gte 5>>There's a huge area to explore, with doors to unlock, monsters to kill and maps to be navigated.<<else>>The huge 3D areas are your training ground, and you get to play Eroll Flynn for a day by jumping around, hacking orcs and skeletons to pieces and generally having a merry old time. You have to provide your own witty banter, though.<<endif>>\n<<else>>\n<<if $setting eq "Aliens">>There's something uncannily gripping about the a <<print $genre>> game when it's set in the typical Aliens mould - dimly lit passageways, scary monsters and battle-clad marines sporting state of the art hardware. It's something the designers of classic titles such as X-Com and Syndicate Wars certainly figured out to their advantage, and <<print $gameName>> uses the fright factor to good effect.\n<<else>>\n<<if $setting eq "Retro Remake">><<if $random1 gte 5>>Another great game from the past is dug up, given a new look and feel and joins the rapidly growing collection of titles aimed fairly and squarely at nostalgia buffs eager to relive their lost youth which was wasted away in front of their <<if $random gte 5>>8<<else>>16<<endif>>-bit systems. If you're not one of those sad, pathetic people however, you might still want to hang around and check this out.<<else>>When it was first announced that <<print $publisher>> had picked up the rights to re-hash this classic arcade <<print $genre>>, many cynically thought that the company would just tack on some fancy graphics, add a remixed soundtrack and make no attempt to bring the gameplay into the modern era so as not to offend the obsessive retro fanatics out there. <<if $interest gte 7>>Not so. What we have here is a total re-invention of the concept, one that is fully deserving of all the attention it is sure to receive.<<else>>And guess what they did!<<endif>><<endif>> \n<<else>>\nThis text shouldn't be here... <<print $subGenre>> <<print $setting>> <<print $franchise>>\n<<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>>\n<<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>>\n<<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>><<endif>>
<<set $subGenre = "Adventure">>\n<<set $interest = $interest -1>>\n\nOK. Now select a [[Franchise]]
<<set $genre = "Action">>\n\nNow choose a [[Franchise]]